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A Bad-Girl's Guide to Weight Loss Surgery
Archives 2002
Home | Enter Into the Wonderful Story of ME...... | Pre-op Journal | Post-op Journals | Surgery Story | Pictures | Favorite Links | Guestbook | Contact Me | Hikaz's Letter to All of You Out There.........

1/3 Well I hope everyone had a happy new year. I know I did even though my family liked to torture me with buying Chinese food that night.....UGH....Oh woe is me. hehe Anyway I am down to 211. That means only 12 more lbs and I'm under 200!! YAHOO!! I have finally aquired enough energy to actually go to the mall... My home away from home. I actually made it for 2 hours all around there and that damn food court never smelled better. It also doesn't help that my friend bought an icee and a cinammon pretzel....I had a small sip of the icee and she asked me, "Ummmm are you sure you aren't going to die cause this thing is pure sugar?" It made me laugh and then I got nervous hehe but I made it without anything happening. I pushed myself up in the diet part. I am still supposed to be on only pureed but I said goodbye to that about 5 days ago when I thought I was going to kill myself with one more mashed cheerios. The protein is hard for me to get in but I am figuring it will get much easier when I can have everything in full form hehe. Right now my meals consist of grilled cheese with skim milk cheese and one slice of weat bread. 1 tbsp of Peanut Butter on 1 slice of wheat bread and then noodle soup. I alternate between these 3 things and then for small snacks in between I will have some cheerios. I am taking my vitamins regularly now which I think has helped A LOT with the tiredness and dizziness. And I am probably drinking about 30 ounces of liquids a day. 20 ounces probably water and 10 of juice. Either Juicey Juice or Apple Juice. Great Choices for those who don't like water. Well everything is good but I do have my days. Yesterday I think i overate for the first time and boy was I sick. I didn't even eat that much I had half of my slice of toast and an extra bite. Let me give fair warning NO EXTRA BITES. Def. not worth it. I drank my water though and got over it. Stangers are talking to me more lately though. Who knows? Maybe it's becuase I lost the weight or maybe it's because I have such a magnetic personality HAHA. *sigh* I make myself laugh. My birthday is in T minus 6 days! Have a great day everyone....

1/7 Hey Everyone! I am officially down 22 lbs now at 3 weeks. I am thinking that is def a good thing that I would have NEVER been able to do without the surgery. Still feeling dizzy sometimes and everyone just keeps telling me to eat more, but I would like to say how do I eat more if I AM NOT HUNGRY?? Oh well. At least it is not as bad anymore. I am going to start on the treadmill tonight. I have been just going to the mall cause it is easier for me to walk around there then walk stationary. I walk for about 2 hours when I go to the mall and when I am on the treadmill I get bored by 30 mins rolls around. I can almost lye on my stomach. It feels a little funny so I think I will give it a little more time. At first I was able to see the weight loss but now I just don't see it anymore and that is def annoying. Only 2 more days till my birthday!! I will officially be able to say that I am in my twenties. My mini goal for now is to be another 20 lbs lighter before my family and I go to Florida in Feb. Think it could happen?? I hope so. That would mean that I would be ummmmm 190....Hey that sounds good to me!!! Take care everyone!!

1/9 Happy Birthday to me!!! This is going to be a boring birthday, I can already tell. I can't go out to eat cause I'm still on soft proteins and I can't have a cake. Umph. Whatever shall I do? I think I will dream about the day when I put on my size 8 pants and just walk all over Boston instead of taking the subway and not feel in the least bit tired. Or I'll imagine a time when I go to class and not dread sitting in those desks cause my stomach touches the desk part. Or a time when I look at my shadow and not think that it is 800 times the size of everyone else's. Or the first time I will walk by a mirror and take a double look. Or the first time that a guy stares at me and not at one of my friends. I guess these are the birthday presents that I am giving to myself. I won't be able to get them for a little while but I can wait. Maybe by the time I get back to school my second present will have already come true??? Hopefully. Anyway have a great day everyone and take a little time to enjoy the view. hehe I've always wanted to say that.

1/15 Yahoo!!! Regular food tomorrow!!! Tomorrow is my month check up and diet advancement. My friend is coming with me to my appointment and then we are going to go out to eat for the first time in four weeks. I think we are going to go to Bertucci's cause they have the best pizza. Yummy. I think I have already told everyone here that I can handle pizza which is a very good and bad thing. Bad because I don't think it's the healthiest choice and good cause it just tastes sooooooooooooo good. I am down to 205.5 lbs now. I am getting used to this weight loss deal! It is fun and I would never ever go back to before the surgery. I don't regret it for one second! Well I will write tomorrow about how the best day of my life went...hehe

1/17 Well the month update went well. Their scale sucks!!! According to them I weighed 208. YUCK!!! Anyway the Dr. said I looked great and I am finally legally allowed to have solids (not that I didn't cheat a little). I can finally have CHICKEN!!! YAHOO!!! I still have to wait 5 days for beef. If I can do 4 weeks then I can do 5 more days. I will write more when I can.

1/24 WELL WELL WELL I am back at school finally, but let me tell you that this is soo hard. I used to have to rely on the school for food, but NO MORE. I have decided to just buy my own stuff. I have been having chicken up the wazoo. That is basically all my protein. I am going to try salad tonight!!! I can't wait. Ohh good story....My school is an all womans college (which basically has it's pros and cons)which means no males (to which i thought at first would be good but now I am hated it) but there is a program here called ELI (English language Institute) and there are males from there who live on campus. They are from Argentina or Mexico and such. Anyway back to my story today I was eating lunch all by my lonesome cause everyone was in class and this boy comes over and sits right near me. His friends all went and sat somewhere else. I thought to myself why on earth is this kid not sitting with his friends. So we were eating and then he actually started to talk to me!! His eyes were the most beautiful I have ever seen. He was soo cute with his little accent and "how do you say?" heheh anyway whether you are male or female here you must understand what I mean when I say that it is just weird to be actually sought out or just talked to by strangers. Anyway we talked and talked and then I had to leave for class (DAMMIT) we said goodbye and that we will hang out sometime and then he left the same time as me even though he wasn't done eating. So anyway that is my story. Probably you all are bored but I like my story! heh... Well everything ELSE is going good. I have finally gotten myself into a routine with walking and lifting weights and such. I alternate between Tae-bo, dancing, yoga, and aerobics. Then every other day I lift weights with arms and then the next days I do legs. I am going insane here without a scale. I think I might just resort to a Cast Away sort of thing where I have to make my own scale out of household items....so I cannot tell you my offically wieght loss.......UGH it gets me soo frusterated.....Well I will end here and write more next week or so.......Take Care...

1/25 OKay so it's the next day, so what, I feel like writing.. hehe Yesterday my friends and I went out for the first time since my surgery. We went to a club. It was just sooo great. My feet used to hurt a lot before by the end of the 3 hours and it would be so boring cause all my friends are skinny and are mostly international so the whole "accent" thing attracts the guys. Well this time I had a blast. I stuck to water even though I was dying for a sip of something else. I was dancing all night and even 3 guys asked me to dance. How odd is that? Of course I said no. I am just going to have to find some way to adjust to this new way of actually getting attention. It is a little disconcerning when no one would even look twice at me before, but whatever, it's society's little thing. Anyway I tried salad yesterday with chicken and boy was it tasty. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Just so crispy and good!!! I just had to chew chew chew!!! Today I had a chicken patty with a tomato and on one slice of bread. I don't even bother with the other slice anymore hehe I just have the bottom slice. At first I thought it was weird but now I don't have to worry about eating too much bread. Those carbs, I swear the devil made them just to tempt me. Well all is well at school. I love my classes and I think this year might just rank up at number one of all my 20 years. I knew that clothes would absorb the smell of smoke from the club and I can maybe understand even my shoes smelling like smoke but now I am starting to think that the smoke seeped into my skin cause that is all I can smell......PPPPPPP UUUUUUU Anyway I am sooo tired. I will catch ya'll later. Thanks for reading and take a little time to enjoy the view. P.S. I WANT A SCALE!!!! I AM GOING MAD.......MAD I TELL YOU!!!!!

1/27 Hey everyone. OKay today is my total veg day. I have been going going going and I think that I am offically worn out. I am going to make this my off day. I do some sort of activity everyday other than today so I think that it will be okay to have one day off. Okay.......I know I have said this before but I really think that if I don't get a scale soon I will freak out. I just feel like I am at a stand still and without proof I can't get out of my funk. Another thing that I have been thinking about is that I could eat like half a sandwich with only one slice of bread now I can only eat a half of a half. Is that weird. Good, but weird. Getting off the WLS topic.... my friends have been having troubles lately and I hate it when they do because then that is all I hear about. I truly like to help them but sometimes I think their problems turn into my own problems. I have to learn to not worry so much about their lives and worry more about my own. Okay back to WLS. Everyone keeps saying how strange it is that Ionly eat like 3 bites. EVERYTIME I go out with them. "You only have 3 bites!" And then I just have to laugh it off, but sometimes I just nod. Hmph. The pirce we pay to be beautiful and healthy. hehe It is soooo beautiful outside today in Boston, not like any winter I have seen, but all I feel like doing is takig a nap. My Doc said it might take awhile to get back to my normal self. Ahhhhhhhh we shall see. I finally got my quickcam thingie to work so I took some pictures. Doesn't everyone just despise pictures??? I know I do. I don't feel like e-mailing them to this website so if anyone wants to see a picture of me you can just e-mail me. Wow it has really been 6 weeks since my surgery.......weird......weird....weird. Only 3 weeks till I leave for Florida.....hmm maybe I should start working myself into the ground....I want to loose more more more!!! Ohh boy an obsession. Okay well I am going to go now since I am rambling. Talk to you ya'll soon.

2/5 Let's see.....I could've sworn that I wrote in here last week. Anywho, I went out last weekend with a bunch of my friends and then one of my friend's brother brought some of his friends and of course all of my friends are like little twigs soooooo they get hit on all the friggin time. Even though I have lost around 30 lbs, people still look at me the same hmmm whatever let's throw me a pity party. So needless to say all of my friends were getting drooled all over and I was sitting there eating my teenie plate of pasta. As you all know I have been going insane without my scale. To understand the scope of it maybe try to picture a crazed animal in a cage. That would be me. I also am going through my little depression phase. I just have been soooooo blah. I am nervous all the time about what I eat. Do I eat enough protein? Am I drinking enough? Why isn't the weight coming off as fast as it did in the beginning? I know the answer to the last one but you know what I can still be depressed about it. I only have like 60 more pounds to lose, but when I look at myself I still see the same ol' me. Ugh mirrors and perception are bitches. SO yeah anyway back to my scale story hehe, I caught the flu from one of my friends. I think it was because I had forgotten to take my vitamins for a couple days so I think I caught it faster. Anyway I have been coughing throwing up and my chest feels like someone is sitting on top of me. I have had a fever of 100.7 since three days ago and I am ready to go home. I could lye in my bed here at school and lye in my bed at home and even though they feel the same, home just has so much more warmth. I know that my mom will come in to check on me and she will bring me my soup and crackers, but here it's "fend for yourself". Okay so again I traveled off subject hehe. So I went to the nurse here at school just to make sure everything was okay and she weighed me!!!!! I was soooooo excited. I think i might have pushed her over in the race to get to the scale hehe. ANyway it was one of those old things that has the stupid weights and you have like 100 and then 150 and then 200 and once you have that done you use the little weight thing?? Aren't I great at explaining things?? So yeah I usually hate them due to the fact that they usually go to 150 and then it just sits there like a lead weight so then they have to go to 200 and push the little one all the way over almost to the end, but NO NOT TODAY MY FRIENDS, I am offically on the 150!!!!! That doesn't mean I weigh 150, I actually weigh 198, but hey I am under 200 and that is cause for celebration!!!! I am still sick and trying to drink enough water as to not get dehydrated but I am under 200!!! I still haven't bought new pants and let me tell ya I need them. It has gotten to the point where I can go to the bathroom and just pull them down without unbuttoning them. hehe. ONly 2 more weeks till I go to Florida and I cannot wait. Well the excers. has been at a stand still which is not good and I know it's bad, but I just cannot find time to fit it in. The only time I can do it is at 10 pm. Oh well I will just have to do it then. Byeeee

2/8 I am home and just got on the scale.......drum roll please.........193!!!!! YAHOO!!!! YAHOO!!!! Myabe my mini goal will actually come true.......ya think??? Anyway that is all for today. Byeeeeeeee

2/18 Hello everyone. Well along with being sick my grandmother passed away. Had to deal with that and school all in one week. I had to miss 3 days of school and that is before I even have gone to Floirda where I will have to skip the whole week of school. HMPH! I am 191 and going strong. I also threw up for the first time last Thursday. I said to myself hmmm I'm going to try some Chex cereal, but my stomach had other ideas. I took one bite and felt fine. I took a second bite and my stomach told me to run to the bathroom and for good reason. I threw up for the first time since the surgery. YUCK YUCK YUCK and now I never ever want Chex AGAIN!!! I also had my hamburger that I was sooo afraid to have. LET ME TELL YOU it was sooooo good. Better than anything I ever remember it tasting like. I also have had Wendy's cheeseburger, McD's cheeseburger and Burger King's cheeseburger. All with nothing but cheese on it. They are goooooooood gooooooood good. So yeah my mini goal was to just lose 30 lbs before we left for Florida and I have already lost 40!!!! How friggin' kewl is that??? Kewler than kewl. I am leaving in 3 days and I need this vacation more than you could ever know. I am going to start back up my excer. I had to stop for 2 weeks while I coughed up lungs and other organs. hehe During my illness I couldn't even walk without huffing and puffing and now I can walk forever without a care in the world. It is a glorious feeling. So tonight I am going to do my Darrin's Dance Grooves. hehe I love that video!! Byeeeeee!! (I will update after I get back from Florida on March 1st.)

3/5 Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't written sooner. I have just been so busy catching up after missing 7 days of school. Well I have lost 4 more pounds in one week. Sometimes I wonder how I manage it. I have been trying to eat new things. My favorite snacky thing is baked lays. They are just sooo good. They are my reward for doing so good...hehe I eat like 5 and I am full. Anyway Florida was grand. I am totally in love with Disney World. If I could live there I would. I have gone every other year ever since I was 7. This year was different than 2 years ago though cause I could walk. Walk walk walk walk walk all day long. Walk at the parks, walk at Downtown Disney, walk around shopping, walk around the resort. NEVER ONCE did my feet ache like they did before. Yes, after an 11 hour day walking around the parks my feet hurt but nothing like before. I probably never could have made it through all the parks like I was before the surgery. I felt alive...which sounds sort of cheesy but it is totally true. The vacation got me back into my walking routine and now I can walk so much farther. hehe I think it built up my endurance. Anyway hmmmm what have I been eating. I was a bad bad bad girl yesterday and tried motzerella (sp?) sticks. They were soooooooooo good. I can't even describe. They stayed down. I only had one though. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had more than one. I have been eating more chicken and hamburgers. with all sandwiches I only eat one slice of the bread. Less carbs......I have been also drastically increasing my intake of fruits. I am just totally IN LOVE with oranges and apples now. I never believed the people that I talked to before about the surgery. They told me that my taste buds would change and I would crave healthier things. AHHHH whatever hog wash I said, but now I am living proof that they do change. Even as I write this I can taste the juicy orange my my mouth....*going to go and get an orange* okay back hehehe. Hmmm let's see what else do I have to say. My shorts that hardly (and when I say hardly I mean HARDLY, so much that sometimes i wouldn't even button them. I would just zipper up as much as I could and tuck the flaps in. How embarassing sharing this hehehe) anyway those shorts were actually loose when I went to put them on in Florida.... I can't really explain to you the enjoyment of that moment. Probably one I will remember for a long time. I have offically gone down 3 sizes and am at 188. My goal is 130 (for right now anyway) so that means that I only have 58 more lbs to lose. Yahoo..... Well I am officially going back to Florida next Fri. only not with the fam. This time it is for Spring Break!!!! A bunch of my friends and I are going down to Miami. Yeah that's right. Watch for me in Girls Gone Wild. hehehe nah just kidding I'm not that bold, but I sure will live it up!!! OKay so I will write again later. Thanks to everyone who writes me e-mails. You guys are the reason that I continue to write here!!!! Take Care......

3/14 okay so just to warn all of you readers out there, this entry might be a long one so hold on tight. Okay so for the past three days my school has had these speakers on eating disorders and nutritionists and psychologists and I went to them. Strictly for extra credit at first. There was one talk that was called "Have Your Cake and Eat It Too" and it was by a psychologist who was talking about dieting and our relationship to food. It was very interesting and I couldn't help but sit there and think of myself 3 months ago and myself now. 3 months ago I did everything that she said. I was obsessed with dieting and the guilt after eating something. I would eat when I was bored. I would eat when I was sad, mad, etc. . . Today, though, today is a different story. Okay so sometimes I sneak a french fry in here or there, but I don't make myself feel guilty about it afterwards. It is what I want and that one french fry satisfies me. I have a much better feeling about myself. Yes, I am still not the skinniest one around, hell not even close, but I just feel so................(sigh.........content. I just don't know how else to describe it. Anyway, that is where my mind it at now. I think without going to those talks though, I can honestly say, I would've never got to actually think about it. I am down another 4 pounds. 184 now. I went to the doctors yesterday for my 3 month checkup. It's so great to see the people that had the surgery the same day as me. How much weight the've lost and how good they are doing. We always seem to have the same appointment day and time. It is kewl though. Tomorrow I leave with my friends for Miami. I am extremely excited! I am actually starting to wear a bathing suit with nothing over it. That is truly an improvement for me. I ALWAYS used to wear a t-shirt over. Same with shorts. You would have never caught me dead in them. Only capris. Yeah it got a little hot hehe, but when I went to FL with the fam a couple weeks ago I wore them and actually felt okay about wearing them out. Actually amoungst people!!!!! hehe My friends and I even rented a convertible. Oh I can't wait. I think that I am truly in a happy place in my life. I know it sounds cheesy, but before I just never felt like I needed to be here. I can admit it now, I was depressed. I knew it then and I know it now. It's just that I would have never admitted it then. Nicole?? Being depressed?? NEVER!! Never let them see you down! That was my thing. Of course I had my share of fun, but then as soon as I had a moment to myself the depression would set in again. (hehe I feel like I am in therapy. It actually feels good to write this though.) I still am a very secretive person. I never wear my emotions on my sleeve. You would never know if I had a crush on you or if I wanted to kill you. That is just my defense mechanism, I guess. Keep everyone at a distance. I can tell though that the wall is coming down with each pound I lose and hopefully it will fall soon, but for now I am just a work in progress. A progress that seems to be going along good, so far. I am becoming a new person, inside and out, but the core will remain the same. Talk to you all when I get back next weekend. Take Care.....

3/25 Okay so I am back and I have found where I am meant to live! Yes everyone it's in Miami. I love love love it there. It's like one non-stop party down there. Everything that you have seen on TV about South Beach is not true. I wondered where the hell they found those crazy people on TV cause I didn't see any of it. We actually went to a nude beach (NO i was not nude!!!) We got into a very exclusive club (don't ask me how either heh) and I was never carded once. We rented a convertible and Miami was just a great great experience. I think I might have fallen in love with attention as well. I have never gotten so much attention from the opposite sex before in my life. Now remember everyone I'm only 20 so my wild and crazy days are just beginning. I am still the shy girl who I always was. Always hiding behind the layers, but when I went to Miami it was like someone just peeled the layers away. I was talking with everyone and just the coolest thing since sliced bread (hehe how modest I know). Being in Boston is completely different. Everyone is very casual and nothing nothing nothing like Miami. It's sooo relaxed there and I think that is what I fell in love with. We were at the beach everyday and a boy that was actually semi attractive came up to me and said hi. I was completely taken aback. For awhile we smiled back and forth on the beach and then he started to walk up to me. I think I had an out of body experience hehe. Anyway this is porbably boring for everyone to read so ummm we just had a great time and I am soooooo tan. Be back after lunch and I will update more....

3/26 So I didn't end up coming back on after lunch as you probably could tel and also I actually thought yesterday was April 1st. All my days have just mushed together. Anyway yesterday I was just in a blah mood. I think it was the fact that I was actually back to school and not on vacation anymore. The doctor also called me and told me that I am low on iron so I have to take supplements. UGH MORE PILLS!!! Oh yeah I forgot to tell ya'll that I went for my 3 month check up 2 weeks ago and it went well. They took some blood and that is how they knew I was low on iron. Okay confession time.....I have been horrible with taking my pills. I just forget. So starting today I am going to take them EVERYDAY without fail! I am at 179 now and that make the grand total (drum roll please)52 lbs. This spring break really threw off my game with eating. Since we tried the bus instead of flying (HUGE MISTAKE) we were pretty much limited to fast food and crap. After those 2 days on the bus my stomach was really mad at me for not feeding it with normal food. I was just sick. On the way home though I bought some 100% fruit jelly and some peanut butter and just had that. It was soooo good. I had been craving peanut butter and jelly but thought i couldn't have it because of the sugar but then i saw the 100% fruit one I almost jumped it right there in the market. My friend and I are planning on going back to Miami the next long weekend, which is April 12th to the 16th. This time we are TOTALLY taking a plane!!!! I am having a really hard time transitioning back into this life here at home. I think I just need to get out more and have fun here instead of thinking that fun is only in Miami. I think I will write more later when I have some interesting stuff to write. I love hearing from everyone so write me sometime nwante@hotmail.com TAKE CARE and for those of you on the east coast like me....STAY WARM!!!!

3/28 Hey everyone. The past 3 days have been really hard for me. I just have not been feeling myself. I haven't felt like going to classes or work. I did even want to see my friends. All I wanted was to go home, but I couldn't cause I can't skip any more classes. I spent all day Tues in my room crying and wondering what was wrong with me. Yesterday I called the surgeon and told him how I was feeling so he told me to come in today. I wne to see him and he said that he thinks it might be a little hint of depression but he isnt' too worried since it has gone away a little. He wants me to call him next Monday and tell him how I am feeling. UGH. It has just been a crappy feeling. I haven't had much of an appetite either. I have had to force myself to drink because I don't feel like getting dehydrated on top of this. When I talked to the psychologist at the surgeons she said that a lot of people get like this because of the loss. The loss of not just layers of weight but layers that I have built up over the years. Also she said that it is because I am around people who just don't understand what this is really like for me. How I have to deal with the portions and how they can eat anything they want while I have had to actually have to watch EVERYTHING. I am feeling a little better like I said. I still want to just go home but I can actually talk to my friends without wishing them to go far far away from me. My damn Quickcam thing still isn't working. I don't know what the hell is wrong with the stupid thing. As soon as I can get my pics back from Miami I will scan them onto the computer and onto the website. My friends and I are going out clubbing tonight. They think that it will make me feel better. Hopefully......cross your fingers heheh. I need to start working out more. Maybe that will help my serotonin....hmmmmmm a thought to ponder. Take care everyone.......

4/1 Hey Everyone I am feeling better about everything. I went to the Dr. and he just told me to wait it out. I felt better and then I would crappy again and then better and so on and so forth. Then today was another crap day. Instead of a mental crappy it was def. a physical thing. My stomach hurt soooo bad and my head, I just though was going to explode. Again I just waited it out. I am going to really have to buy the iron supplements for tomorrow. I just keep putting it off and putting it off and it's been an entire week now. I am also feeling very very very tired. The iron thing has something to do with that and I know it. I having been struggling with the whole eating thing too. I have finally seen what they mean when they say that it is "just a tool". Now I can eat pretty much anything I want. It is getting harder not to "graze" as they call it. When you just snack throughout the day. Maybe if I just start drinking more I won't feel as hungry. Yeah so I have to keep myself in check. I went clubbing on Thursday with my 2 friends and one of their brothers. Confession: ohh yeah I soooo have a crush on him. I have for quite some time now, but now it is just so much more fun cause hopefully he will start to look at me more now. I know that it is completely shallow and that I should never be with someone that wouldn't have been with me before but hey that's the way life goes. If I went by that standard than I probably wouldn't get to be with anyone. SO yeah I have a crush and he is just great. My friend has no idea cause that would be a little wierd. 'Hey I like your brother.' Yeah that's no good. Anyway I will keep ya updated on that front. Other than that nothing else is going on. I have been going out soooo much this semester since Miami. It is great!!! I love going clubbing and then more I can do it the happier I am. I am trying to convince my friend that goes to UNH to come down to come with us this weekend. Hopefully she will come. Anywho........I think I might try going to bed at a normal time tonight. Talk to you all soon.............

4/3 Did I tell everyone here about my murderous rage sometimes??? :) Yes well lately I have been really irritable. I just can't stand small talk or actually any talk for that matter. In class if the teacher goes off into a story I feel like just going to sleep for this waste of time. When my friends talk to me I have been occasioanlly just sitting there and wishing that they would dissappear. That is what I call my murderous rage. I just get frusterated so easily. I just want it to stop cause I am not like this. This isn't me. Also I don't want to work for the rest of the semester and everytime I enter work I start feeling that same depression sort of thing again. So I told my mom about it but she thinks I'm a drama queen and that I should just go to work and suck it up. She doesn't fully understand what it feels like and I can't say that I would've known either before I started having these feelings. I can already feel that today is going to be like that day last Tuesday. Where I went to class came back and just cried the entire day. Why, you ask? No idea whatsoever. *sigh* What is wrong??? I wish I knew. The surgeon told me to see a psychologist but I have nothing to tell them honestly. These feelings I can't describe come out of nowhere and I know that. I like school and I love my family and there are no problems except for the way I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just insane hehe. OKk for instance it is only 9 am and my friend has already called me 3 times. Once at 7 and fuckin (sorry for swearing) woke me up, the second at like 8, and the third just 2 mins ago. If you think that I don't feel like killing her then you are mistaken cause I do. I am going to try my darndest to say away from everyone today. Okay I know I sound like a horrible person *sigh* but I can't help it. You all are probably reading this thinking that I am some huge bitch. UGH I just don't know what to do. All I do know is that if I see her today I will kill her or probably just give her a piece of my mind. Hence the reason of laying low. It's hard to do though in a school of no more than 1,000. I will keep ya updated throughout the day. These entries should be interesting. Enter into the mind of a crazed person heheheh....................
2:16 pm So it is a little later now and I am still in a crappy mood. I decided to decline the offer to go clubbing. What is wrong with me hehehe. I finally talked to the nerd that called me four times this morning not to mention she woke me up only after 4 hours of sleep. I have strated to faithfully tae my vitmains. Before I just could never get nto the routine but I think that it might have something to do with the sicknesses and stuff. i have class at 4 to 6:30 and I don't feel like going but I have already skipped enough, too much actually hehe. Anyway maybe i will write tonight too...lataaaaaa

4/8 Remember those feelings I had last week?? Yeah well they are completely gone. I feel completely normal and ready to run a marathon. Well not really but ya know. I have started a whole new workout routine. I figure that if I am not going to work for the rest of the semester than I have so much more time to workout and that is what I am going to do! I have even been buying those Shape and Fitness magazines and put together a little binder with all sorts of excersises. I split them up into total body workout and then legs and arms. Some might say I was bored yesterday. hehe Anyway today is the first day of my new way and hopefully it goes over well. I think I have been at a standstill with the weight so I am fed up and want some more loss. The only way to get that is to excersise and eat more protein. Besides that stuff we went clubbing on Friday and I had the best time. I had probably what added up to half a shot of Red Death. Yes I know, no drinking, but I sipped to make sure that it was okay and then I was. I just had half cause if I would have had anymore I probably would've been too drunk. Anyway we had a great time dancing around and just having fun. Somehow I always am dancing my little dance and then I feel people behind me. So I always just switch places with my friends and they can dance with the weird men hehe. Unless they are cute of course then by all means you can dance with me hehhee. Anyway we had fun and I can't wait to go again. This whole not working thing is for the birds. I haven't made any moey for 2 weeks and I'm dying here. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I am a spend-a-holic. It used to be shop-a-holic but it's changed cause I just spend money like it's going out of style. So I have had to rely on my parents to make trusty deposits to my account hehe. Ahh the college life. How could anyone want to get out of here??? Anyway I will write again soon and tell you how my new routine is going.......

4/9 Hey everyone today I am just saying that bothers me and I keep forgetting to put it up here. I go out to eat very often. EVERYTIME (and when I say everytime ohh I mean it) they ask if I want them to wrap it up and so I say yes. They immediatly start asking it it was good and make some comment like ohhh you didn't eat much or not hungry?? Okay so I know obviously they don't know that I had the surgery and I can't really be upset but it can still be annoying and ohhh yes it is. I just smile and say no it was fine or I just laugh. Ahh well c'est la vie..........My workouts are going good. yesterday I did yoga and meditation once in the morning and once at night. Then I did Tai-Chi + dancing class and then my friend and I walked around the BC campus for an hour. There is this one spot that has 65 steps. I just looked at it and thought I was going to die, but I was like let's just do it. So we started and do you know what?? I made it up the whole thing without stopping or passing out. Amazing aye? Before I probably could have done it as well but I would have had to stop and take a break. Don't get me wrong I was breathing semi-heavily but I could still speak too which is the deciding factor. As long as you can talk and do it at the same time then you are not overdoing it. It was a memorable moment for sure. hehe. Sometimes I just smile at how much my life has changed yet remained totally the same. *large sigh* Ahhhhhhh life is good..........

4/11 Guess where I have been the past two nights??? OHHHHHH yeah that's right..............OUT!!!! Tuesday night we went to a hip hop club. Okay not my favorite type of music but fun nontheless. Somehow I attact the men who I think are weird and my friends are like, "GO dance!!"
"No, thanks." Anyway Tuesday was fun and then last night we went to Boston Billiards. Some pool place where let me tell you I sucked royally. I can't play pool for anything. Anyway as the night went on we or somehow I ended up hanging out with these three guys and played pool with them. They taught me geometry and I got better at pool. OKay so I still had trouble getting the balls in sometimes but most of the time I was hitting em in!!!! Yahoo......These guys seemed really normal and I was like wow what normal guys they weren't even doing the whole shady, "Oh let me get behind you and teach you how to play." It was kewl but then as we left one of the guys was like, "Ohhhhh I don't have a ride home. Can you just give me a ride."
"Ahhh yeah no." He was def. a shady character. His 2 friends seemed normal though. Ahhhhh whatever. We made a rematch for next Wed. Maybe by then I will build my skills........Anywho nothing much has been going on besides going out. I am def. skipping my class today cause I am sooo tired and I didn't see the movie I was supposed to for it. Ahhhh well. That is my new philosophy; Ahhhhhhh whatever. All I know is that my room is starting to smell like I smoke........Yuck......the reekingness is coming off of my clothes from the previous nights hehehe......Well take care everyone and talk to ya'll soon

4/14 Hey all! I am home for the long weekend!! I have decided to go back to school today (Sunday) though cause my friend asked me to go out with them tonight. I ask, "Welllllllll, who's going?"
"Everyone, Jeyan, me, Memo, and his friends." Okay really all she had to say was Memo and I was on board heheh. So anyway since this isn't a who-does Nicole-like-today webpage, I have been on my first plateau and damn it's a long one. I have been at the same weight for about 2 weeks. Can you still count it as a plateau even if you lose like 2 pounds in 2 weeks?? Well anyway it really sucks and I thought since I was uping the routine then it would get faster but NADA!!!! I am not sure what to do from here. I really can't eat anymore protein. Well I probably could but YUCK....no more than I already am having. Maybe I will just have to do extra extra exercise........Hopefully that will do the trick! Cause I am going to be in a wedding this summer and I would like to lose at least another 20 lbs by August. Let's cross our fingers! Gotta go.........Take Care

4/17 -2 am: Well hello everyone. I noticed today that my webpage sometimes shuts down due to bandwidth problems. DAMMIT. I am a poor college student I can't afford to upgrade my membership webpage thingie soooooo for now if you see that it is shut just wait like an hour or so and then check back. It is annoying yes I know but......whatever. So anyway nothing much has been going one. Just that we saw Memo for lunch today....*sigh* well ya know those europeans they kiss hello and goodbye. *sigh again* hehe. Tomorrow is the official pool playing day for us. YAHOO!!! REMATCH!!! I am going to show all of them that this time I don't SUCK!!!! Anyway if anything interesting happens with that tonight I will write later.
3:30 pm Hey everybody I have decided to just take away the Most Recent Entry page thingie cause well it's basically annoying hehe. Anyway I just thought I would let ya'll know about my scary online stalker who found my name and picture on my college's website and started to talk to me and tell me I was beautiful and that he wanted to get to know each other.......EWWWW I said to him Hi but I don't talk to anyone I don't know. Thanks and goodbye and now he keeps sending me e-mails.......UGH SCARY....anyway I will write more when i get back from class!!!

4/20 Okay so I didn't write more before but whatever. Anyway we did go to play pool again. Fun again.....yada yada yada.....Now something important, this hair loss stuff around 4 months post op is soooo true. I thought to myself HA I will NEVER lose my hair!!! Now it's coming out in bunches, yet my hair doesn't look any different. Oh well just hopefully I don't become bald..hehe.. okay not really something to laugh about. Other than that I am still pissed cause I don't seem to be losing any more weight. I just don't get it. Myabe it's the water, cause I don't drink enough. I know I don't. I only probably drink about 40 oz a day. when it's supposed to be 64. Or it's the protein cause I don't eat a lot of that either. I suck at this. The exercising thing I've got down though hehehe. Sometimes I HATE doing all this thinking about it, but I don't regret it at all. It's strange really. Another thing is just as I was starting to maybe see myself for what I really am, my mind switched back over to the old way. I seriously look in the mirror and see who I was before. I don't see any difference and it is very very hard. I know that I was heavier before, but right now I feel like before, the same crappy feelings about how I look. Now I know what anorexia feels like. You just never see who you really are and it doesn't even matter that you KNOW it and try to change it. I don;t know what else to do about it. Oh well. Just get over it I guess. Okay get this, I go to an all girl's school (which is soon to change, no offense to girls) so basically there are a lot of lesbians here. Which I really could care less about, but when someone tells you that they don't go that way, is it the right thing to keep persuing it?? NO it's not. So yeah anyway when we went to play pool on Wed. there was this girl that my friend Selen is friends with. I really wanted some water and when I asked Selen to go and get me some she said that I had to kiss her on the cheek and then Dawn(the friend) chimed in, "Me too!!"
"Fine!! I just want water." So I kiss Selen and then when I go to kiss Dawn on the cheek and she turns her damn head. Right smack on the lips. UGH. That was just soooo sneeky and sketchy. Needless to say I try to stay away from her and I told Selen to do the same. So now that you have had your story for the day hehehe I will leave ya so that I can go and have some brunch. Yummmmmmmmmm

4/25 Okay so I def. hate my computer. I wrote this huge journal entry and where is it now??? Out in cyberspace somewhere floating around. UGH. Anyway something weird happened when I went to Memo's house a couple nights ago. I am not sure if he was flirting or not. Oh well whatever. Actually not whatever cause I do like him but, hmph. Anyway my hair is still falling out but you can't tell. Weirdly enough. I have lost about 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks which sucks. I have only 40 lbs. to lose before goal. 50 if it's my goal and not the Dr.'s. I can eat more now which is scary. I have to catch myself. The exercising has been slow recently due to problems with my friends which they feel they can get me involved in. Which they do quite well might I say. Anyway I have gotten back to the swing of things today. THANK GOD. I am in a size 14 now and medium. MEDIUM PEOPLE.......Isn't that soo fun??? OHH YEAH IT IS. Okay well I have to run to class. Will write more later...

5/2 When did I write last?? Oh wow like 6 days ago.....I am behind huh?? I usually update every 4 days.....I'm slow hehe. Anyway actually a lot has happened in the past week I guess. I went home for the weekend and found that I have officially lost 60 lbs. Wowsers!!! It is strange cause I am a 14 in the Gap but if I go to like Filenes or somehting and just buy like jeans I am a 12. Can you believe that?? Okay well I guess you can cause I'm telling you but I never thought in all my wildest dreams that I would be here, at this point. December seems like a lifetime and a half ago. I have bones in fun places.....like on my neck.......weird. I can even see my hip bones!!! What is that about hehehe??? You know how on "normal" people you can see how it caves a little on their lower stomach?? Yeah guess who suddenly has that?? Oh yeah it's me hehehe. Sorry for getting into weirdness but HELLO I am sooo happy hehe. I think it has been all the extra sit ups and weights and stuff. Anyway also a couple days ago I met someone at a party and we have been hanging out. He is nice but it's def. nothing serious. It is surely a strange feeling cause usually I am the only one liking someone. There is never that return of feelings......hmmmm.....I think I might like that idea hehehe. I am still very self conscious but he is actually kewl about it. For someone who their friends think exudes self confidence, I am actually quite the opposite. Anyway that is what is going on and I am bored.....LA DE DA...I don't think I am going to go to class today. I just feel like watching movies and such........Well take care everyone and don't be afraid to e-mail me at nwante@hotmail.com I LOVE GETTING MAIL from different people.....LATAAAAAA ALL

5/4 I'm back. I am bored and so I thought I would write. "Write what?" I hear you ask. Well I have no idea. So you can either read what will end up being a ramble on about weird things or ya can skip it. Well let's see it's 10:20 am and I had my peanut butter and jelly toast and I didn't feel that great afterwards, but the feeling went away after like 5 mins. That is something I hate though. One day peanut butter and jelly is all fine and dandy with, George (I named my stomach cause it's easier when I talk about it. hehe) but then the next I am all in the bathroom. I was washing my hands this morning and when i looked into the mirror I seriously saw a thin spot in my hair. I thought I was going to die. If I wear my hair down though you can't see it so it looks like my hair won't be up for a couple months hehe. I hate my printer because it will print a test page but then as soon as I need to type, let's say my 20 page paper, oh yeah it feels the need to not print. So then I print another test page just to see what it up. Weird, it prints that. Okay let's try this again. YEAP NOTHING! Damn printer. So it is just a piece of crap taking up space on my desk. I was so bored yesterday that I did 4 work out videos hehehe. I am extremely bored due to the fact that for some reason EVERYONE has decided to go home for the weekend and I decided to stay here. UGH. Today should be fun though becuase my friend and I are going to go to this "Springfest" at BC and ummm mingle I guess. Then we will try out her "bible" as she calls it. It's just a book of all mix drinks. Then it is off to my FAVORITE PLACE IN ALL THE LAND!!! Yes that's right people I mean clubbin'. Oh how I missed thee. It's been 2 1/2 weeks. So yeah anyway about drinking. I can actually drink, but it just has to be slowly. I actually finished though a half of a mix drink once. It was good. I never got sick though which was weird but good all in the same time. Okay now people I do not drink all the time and I just want to get that across. I drink maaaaaaybe like 3 times a month and even then I don't drink a lot. (Well obviously not now with George, the tiny stomach, but ya know). Sooooo what else can I ramble on about??? hmmmmmm school is almost done. Only one more week. I am going to visit my friend Laura at UNH as soon as I get outta here cause she doesn't get out until 3 days after me. Then that weekend I am going to babysit for my cousins and make some money THANK GOD cause I am running low. I keep having to ask my mom for money and I hate that. So yeah, anyway, going to visit Laura will be fun, hopefully. She is one of the people that I went to Miami with. AHHHHHH Miami, I want to go back so badly it hurts. UGH. I finally fixed my damn webcam thingie so now I can take better pictures. I think I might update the full body one soon. I just have to work up some courage that's all hehehe. I also have to make my hair look more normal cause lately it's been outta control. I got a 94 on my 20 page paper. Yeach you know that one that wouldn't print?? hehe I was all excited. The teacher is the same teacher that wrote my AWESOME recommendation for BC. CROSS YOUR FINGERS. I need all the help I can get. I want to go there soooo badly. You know what I love to do?? hehe I love to go on Lane Bryant's website and use that damn LBme thingie. Where you put in your like weight and height and body shape and face and hair color and they make a model for you and then you can try on all the clothes. OKay before it wasn;t so fun but I love going to it now and typing in my weight and the model doesn't look weird anymore she looks like a normal size. hehe. I am almost at the avg. for what American women wear. Weird weird weird. Alrigth maybe I will stop here, but I might come back later on and write more so be prepared for anything folks. I'm in a crazy mood and there is just no stoppin' me. Lataaaaaaa
12:46 pm OHHHHHHH I'm back. You knew I would be. I am finally doing laundry. FINALLY.....Sittin' here hanging out with myself. You know this is actually kind of nice. No one to listen to. Hmmmmm I think I am liking this hehe. Alright people listen up. I'm a little disappointed that only 2 people have signed my guestbook.......Come on people I know you can do better than that. Just say hello or something. Make me actually feel that some people are reading this!!! Today is like high school girl's conference here and I'm not liking it. Very very noisy and insane. Girls running everywhere. Ahhh well whatever. Last night I was so bored that I actually reverted to like 4th grade and was thinking of building a fort. That is how bad it was hehehe. I didn't but I came real close to actually doing it. OKay I have to go and check my laundry people hold on...... There will be more...........

5/7 Okay so maybe there wasn't more, but you know how I am. Okay I just can't really stand finding my hair EVERYWHERE. It's all over the pillow, on the desk, on my keyboard to my computer, and all over the back of my shirt. UGH. I am just happy that I don't have huge bald spots hehe THAT would be horrible. So actually I will just not complain and be thankful for that. So I hate my friends becuase they love to back out on plans and that's that. UGH they get me soooo mad. Okay and breathe. Anyway I was talking to someone last night and I realized that I never wrote on here all of the rules of weight loss surgery that I have broken. Okay now folks don't start e-mailing me about this is a "tool" and whatnot cause guess what I know. Just because I'm only 20 doesn't mean that I am completely stupid. Anyway I have infact snakced and let me tell you it is THEE WORST HABIT TO GET OUT OF. I had started doing the snacking thing maybe 3 weeks ago, but it wasn't totally grazing it was like having 10 cheese and crackers and then waiting till like dinner to eat. PLus we are supposed to eat 6 meals a day anyway. ANYWAY I am making excuses and damn I am good at that hehehe. Anyway I also drink while I eat. i take tiny tiny sips but I do it. I just eat less so that I can drink. It seems to work fine though cause I am eating like 4 meals a day and drinking fine. No problems from George on that front. I am sooooooooooooooooooooo obsessed about not stretching George that I even called the Dr. and asked him if what I was doing would stretch it. He said I shouldn't be doing those things and the only thing to stretch it would be to eat a lot and graze. Okay I said, but it still hasn't helped the fear and I don't want to be like this. Thinking about everything all the time, but I know I chose this and don't get me wrong I don't regret one single thing that I have done. I am still losing but it is so gosh ram slow. I know it';s ebcause I only have 30 lbs left to lose. Hey I am only 4 and a half months out and I am within 30-40 lbs of goal. How completely kewl is that? Very. Have to go......brb with more......I will this time I promise.......

5/8 Okay so now you know that my promises mean nothing hehehe. Anyway things just happen and then before I know it, it's the next day. Oops..... Anywho nothing much is new. Nothing at all. School is almost done and I can't wait. I had my Cognitive Psychology exam today and ohhhhh boy let me tell you THAT was fun. Eating some string cheese right now. Yummmmm or it used to be yummm until I got sick of it for a little while, but it's back to being yummmmmm. Well hmmmmm umm nothing new on the weight loss front or anything having to do with it, other than having to buy new clothes constantly. I thought that I would like this buying new clothes stuff but when I have to keep asking mom for money for them then I don't like it. She has also been taking in my pants. Some she has to take in as much as 2 inches from each side! Then the damn pants look funny. Ahhh well shopping I must go heheheh not that I can'y handle it cause I am more than qualified hehe. Anyway that is all. Umm oh yeah remember that boy (guy) that I met at the party last week? Yeah well we have been hanging out a lot for the past week. It is new and weird. Hmmm anyway though he is leaving to go back home for the summer tomorrow. UGH. He is all the way on the west coast. Darnit. We will keep in touch and see each other in the fall. So nayway that is that and I am leaving now.....Lataaaaaaa

5/12 Hey ladies and gents.....what is up?? I have only a couple more days and then I am back home. Hmph I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I have sooo become accustomed to living alone. Ahhhh well I'll deal. OKay today is my I WANT TO GO TO BC so badly day. I just keep thinking about it. I can't stop. hehe Ahhhhh well whatever. Anywho nothing new has been going on. I tried this chiken voila frozen dinner thing and it was sooooooo good. Of course protein first so I had the chicken but the pasta was sooo good too. YUmm I just love enjoying food so much more now. I still have those moments where I start to snack and I am like, 'Nicole........NO." So I stop. Again this surgery is "just a tool" like you have heard so many times before and you will realize it when you are about 4 or 5 months post op and a little bit of the hunger comes back. Hey people I AM A SIZE.............drum roll please...............12!!!!! Can you believe it?? I went to Old Navy cause i was sick of wearing things that were baggy and I brought in a size 14 and they were too big and the 12 was just right. *SIGH* I am just so happy I could cry hehehe. Although when I look in the mirror I swear that it is still the size 20 me. I hate what your mind can make you see. It sucks. Okay so my abs are not getting tighter and it's getting annoying hehe. I just want ABS OF STEEL....is that so much to ask for hehehehheehehehe. Ahh I make myself laugh hehee. La de da. Okay people is it really that hard to just make a girl happy??? I just want a simple hello how are ya? I hate your site. I love your site. Whatever...please make me feel loved. Or just e-mail me at nwante@hotmail.com Okay well I have to go and watch Last Temptation of Christ before my cinema final tomorrow. YAHOO...Talk to ya'll lataaaaaa

5/18 Hey everyone it has been one long long time since I wrote huh?? Well I babysat this past weekend for my cousins and ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I am sooooooooo tired. They just don't like to sleep or listen for that matter. I am actually relaly tired and I don't think I can write this right now heheh. I thught I could but nope cause I am falling asleep at the keyboard hehe. Be Back Later

5/25 Okay so again I didn't write that day, but you all should be used to that hehe. Things are going good I guess. I have lost another 3 lbs. Somettimes i think 3 lbs. big deal, but it is good especially since it's getting close to the end of my weight loss. I weigh 160 now. I only have 30 lbs left to go in my Dr's eyes but 40 in mine. I found a job as a preschool teacher for the summer. Thank God cause I am runnin' low on the ol' cashola. I also did my weekend babysitting gig wihich basically sucked cause the kids never slept which kept me awake and I haven't been on a regualr sleep schedule since. I basically stay awake all night like until 5 or 6 am and then sleep till about 11 am. Weird I know. I have been slacking with my vitamins too which is not good I KNOW. I have to get back into that. I signed myself up at the local gym along with my friend. She is as thin as my finger though so I don't know what she needs to go for. She is great though and fun to be around. The first time I saw her in a year was Tuesday and we went to the gym hehe. I am not liking being at home cause when I am at home I see everyone I used to know. I would rather just stay in Boston and meet new people hehe. The only hting I do like is everyone always asking, "Wow you look great!! What are you doin?" hehehe
"Oh just eating right and working out." They don't need to know. PLus it's not a lie. I am just leaving the surgery out of it hehe. There is this guy that I have been hanging out with for about 2 weeks now and I told him after only like the third we went out. He was kewl about it and said that he admired that I could do that for myself. So I thought that was good. I htought it would be a much bigger deal. Hmmm?? hehe Anyway things are going good and for the past 2 weeks I have been just hanging out trying not to become lay on the couch all day lazy.....Although sometimes it sounds soooo nice heheh. I have to go clothes shopping.........What a hard life I lead hehehehehehhe ;) I also need new underwear cause you know what I forgot that underwear has sizes and they are hanging off me heheh AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm bored. OKay I guess I will tlak to ya'll later.

6/1 Ohhh boy it's June already. I finally got a job at a Doctor's office that pays pretty well which means, CAR FOR ME!!! Yeah I can't wait. So anyway alot has been happening with this kid that I was talking about in the previous entry. Well we are getting along great but the only thing is that he lives in Indiana. Sort of far away from NH :) So anyway I am planning to go and visit out there next month and I am dragging my best friend along just for some company. He is 6 years older than me and I think that is why he is wanting to be more serious. He even wants me to move out to Indiana and to not sound too crazy, I am actually considering transferring out to a school out there. By the by BC denied me housing so that was the only thing that would've kept me here in Boston. Well, that and my family and friends of course. Soooooo I don't know, I am still looking at other states as well though, like FL, DC, and CA. We shall see......I had my first bite of ice cream and I don't think I can describe the pleasure in it really. The consistency and flavor just barely killed me. I allow myself a teaspoon full every 2 days. Just a little pick me up. I am eating chicken likes it's going out of style and I am drinking Minute Maid Orange Blends:Orange Passion like a mad man. I put in half of that then half water and then two ice cubes and it tastes heaven sent!!! The weight loss has come to a stand still and I have become crazy with shopping. I thought I was crazy when I was a size 20. Now that I can shop at Express and all these new "HIP" stores I am going CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY. That is the only way to describe it. IN the past two weeks I have bought 5 pairs of capris, 10 new shirts, 2 shorts, one pair of shoes, and last but not least a purse (which I can never ever resist). So yeah I am 160 and holding for the past week. Fortunatly though I have never been at a plateau longer than one week really cause if anything I usually just lose like 2 or 3 lbs every two weeks now. They say your appetite comes back after about 5 months and I would have to say that that is TOTALLY CORRECT, the cool thing though is that you can't eat as much sooooo. I have to say though it is very easy to overeat and for some reason I never puke I just get really sick and have to lie down. Hate when that happens as I should really, I suppose. Soooooooooooo anywho, I think I am about done writing here today cause there is nothing more to say really. I think I will dedicate the next entry to how I am feeling about everything and not just the surgery, but how I feel that I HAVE changed somewhat. Which is what I was afraid of in the beginning. OKay but shhhhhhhh I was starting to get into it now, but NO. Next time. Keep ya comin' back 4 mo'!!!!! hehehe Take care until next time.........

6/9 Hey everyone.....it's been 8 days wow...I made over $300 last week!!! YAHOO. Anyway I told ya'll I would talk about how I feel I have changed. I know that I have not changed just physically. It's almost hard to explain really. I feel more confident yet I am still the same ol scared me, hiding within myself. I htink the whole attention from the opposite sex thing has made me feel more confident which I know it really shouldn't make a difference but it sooooo does. You guys have to remember I am only 20 hehe. I still have my whole life ahead of me. Boys, school, EVERYTHING........When I talk to my friend now I hear myself tlaking about boys more and this guy and that guy and I used to hate hate hate when people used to talk to me about them sooooooooooo I am trying to steer away from that. IT is just hard when NO ONE would look at you twice (hell maybe not even once) before and now you have all this attention.....hmph My stomach is doing well with the excess skin thing....it's the arms that are killing me hehe. They aren't to bad I suppose but still annoying. I can't help but want perfection. I did a horrible horrible horrible thing last night. I had like 7 bites of ice cream. My throat was killing me cause I have strep and I had my teaspoon and it felt sooooooooo good on my throat and I just couldn't stop cause then the throat woul start again, but after those 7 bites I was like NO. NO MORE. I had to pull myself away from it and shove it back in the freezer. I didn't even feel sick slightly....What's that about??? hmmmmmmmmmm Anywho I am just in the best mood today cause (oh damn I am at it again with the boys) I don't care hehe if you don't want to read skip ahead hehe. Well the boy in Indiana is nice and all, but there is this boy that i met about a month ago while at school and he lives in Wisconsin. He is sooooo dreamy hehe and nice. Don't get me wrong Frank (Indiana boy) is nice and sooooo understanding about the surgery and everything but (oh God I sound soooo shallow. I'm not really I am not) I feel like I have more of a connection with Jon (Wisconsin boy) and he's just a tiny bit cuter. :) Jon even is actually going to save up this summer to come here next semester. Which is pretty kewl. I just can't descibe how nice it is to be told how pretty I am and have him say nice things to me. *sigh* I am smitten heheh. I also think that Jon acts so much more mature than Frank even though Frank is 26 and Jon is 23.......Go figure.....Frank also likes to tell me how he goes out and meets all these girls....yeah make me want to come to Indiana more......sheesh. Oh I think I am in love with this feeling hehe the "butterflies" in the stomach....I've had them before but no one ever reciprocated them.......*BIG SIGH* I just feel all light and floaty.... Can this feeling just last forever???

6/10 Okay people I just have to say this. Is it possible to go down in sizes when you don't lose weight?? That is an honest question and if anyone knows the answer can you please tell me. Cause today I went to buy this dress that I fell in love with and I tried on the 12 a couple days ago and it fit and then today I was like hey what that hell I'm going to try on a 10. It sooooooooooooo fit. Perfectly and might I say it actually looked good. For so long I have bought things that looked "okay i guess" and now I am actually saying wow into the mirror. So anyway I bought two dresses at size 10!!!!!! How cool. Just had to let you share in my happiness.......

6/24 Wow long time no update huh?? Well Indiana is gett closer and I am getting more and more nervous. Okay confession time. The only real boyfriend I ever had was in 8th grade and that's not even a real relationship. So you can imagine why I am sooooo nervous about Frank and the whoel deal. This is completely new to me and he is 26 so he has longer to deal with life and what it throws at ya. I am 20 and in terms of relationships I might as well be 12 again....hehe...UGH what is this whole thing like?? OH MY GOD I didn't think I was this nervous but now as I write I am getting terrified!!!! Again, he knows I am scared and self conscious. HE knows about the surgery and he keeps telling me he doesn't care and I know he doesn't but in the back of my head I am just waiting to get off the plane and for him to be like UGH go back.......hehe......I can't help but wait for the bad. Anyway besides that crap I am doing good. STILL ON THE DAMN PLATEAU. Now I know why everyone was getting so frusterated. hehe I am still working at the doctors offcie and that is taking up soooo much of my time. UGH I haven' even been to the beach yet!!! DAMN...Anyway I will write more later.....still holding at 160

6/27 Okay people bare with me. I am soooooooo sad right now. Jon just told me that he is leaving for 3 months to go and try out with a hockey team in Detroit. 3 MONTHS!! Maybe it is dumb but I feel like a part of me has a hole in it. It hurts and I hate this feeling. I told him that this is longer than we have even been talking. I think we have been hanging out for about 2 and a half months and that feels like forever. I just keep telling myself that it's only till the end of Sept. *sigh* UGH man this really does hurt. hmph. We will still talk though. He is going to call once he lands in Detroit tonight.......... Anyway I am just in a little sad funk. I'll get over it.........hopefully soon cause this sucks!!!!

7/4 Happy 4th EVERYONE!!!! Well Jon called the next day and they sent him to Ohio instead. I said, "Hey it's closer!!" hehe It was great talking to him but he has been sooo busy that I haven't talked to him in five days!!! UGH it's killing me. I have turned into evey girl I used to hate. Oh boy.....Went shopping again!! Ahhh how I love to shop and know that everything will fit okay!!! OKay people it is friggin hot here. It was 101 yesterday and I think today it's about 95. HELLOOOOOOO too hot!!! Thank God for air conditioning!!!!! Without it I think we'd all be dead! Well back to the festivities. Have a great fourth everyone and stay safe!

7/16 Where do the days go people?? I just turn around for a sec. and it's two weeks later hehe. Anywho I haven't talked to Jon in three weeks and I have gotten over it hehe. OKay story time people. In 8th grade there was this boy. He was thee cutest boy in school and everyone loved him. Of course I had to be tortured and was great "friends" with him. We hung out all the time and had every class together. We were inseperable. Then we went to high school and it was hard cause we never saw each other. Every now and then he would sneak into my homeroom just to talk. I had suuuuuuuuuuuuch a crush on him and then he moved back to Germany the middle of freshman year. I was crushed. For some reason we never kept in touch. I have thought about him every week for the past 6 years!!!! I never ever forgot him. He was like this supreme being in my mind that I would love forever. I NEVER EVER EVER EVER though I would EVER see or talk to him again. Then randomly since I am back home for the week I go to this baby shower of like my third cousin whom I never met. Suddenly my 8th grade gym teacher shows up!! I was like oH my god how are you. She was the best and she was only about 13 years older than us so she was the "cool" teacher. hehhe Anyway we got to talking and we were gossiping about everyone that I had classes with until I said the name JONAS and she was like, " ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh he still e-mails me sometimes!!" My jaw must have dropped about 10 feet! I thought I had DIED. I tried to keep it kewl and just said ohhh what's his e-mail I would love to talk with him. She gave it to me and we started tlakin and he goes to the school right DOWN THE STREET FROM ME!!!!!!! FOR TWO YEARS HE HAS BEEN IN THE SAME CITY AS ME!!!!!!!! How random is all this?? So anyway I e-mailed him and have yet to here back. He is in Germany for the summer then going to Austrailia to study abroad next semester but he will be back in Boston in Jan. ***SIGH*** Last summer I WOULD HAVE NEVER e-mailed him. I would have been afraid to let him see me the way I was, but now I am completely gung ho even though I am nothing compared to what he could go out with. I have decided that this is some sort of sign that maybe something will happen!!! heheh I mean SIX YEARS!!! This is a story for The Wedding Story that's all I know!!! HAHAHHA J/K Anyway I lost about 3 lbs and the plateau has been BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God!!!!!!! I have new pics and I will put them up within the next few days cause they are on my other computer..........Hope all is going well and AHHHHHHHHHH I just want him to write back. okay breathe breathe!!!! Till lataaaaaaa

7/23 Hey everyone. Jon is movin to Boston!!!!!!! He is coming in this Sat. Can you believe it???? OH MY GOD I am sooooo scared yet excited at the same time. This is my first real relationship. OHHHH boy I am scared. Other than that I lost another 4 lbs. I think the motivation has been Jon. Knowing that he is coming I am starting to workout more. hehe If you all wanna see a picture of him just e-mail me and I will e-mail it to you cause I don't feel right about putting him on my website just yet. Oh yeah I actually told him about the surgery. I was sooooooooo scared cause he is that jock type that in high school had all the girls. Well anyway I told him and he was sooooo great about it. He said that he doesn't care at all and I am perfect. How great is that to hear??? THE GREATEST!! *SIGH* I love this feeling!! I will write on Sat. about how it all went.........

7/30 Well Jon came for the weekend but then he had to leave on Sun to do to Delaware with the stupid job. :( I am going down to Delaware this weekend hehe Jonas wrote me back!!! I was breatheless for the week hehe. I played it kewl for a week and then I wrote back yesterday hehehe. I am at a strandstill with the weight loss again....GRRRRRRRR Nothing new AT ALL......Can't wait to go back to school!!!! I will write on Monday and let you know how the weekend goes!!!

8/13 Hey everyone I am back from the Jon weekend and the Montreal vacation. The Jon weekend was fun but I realized he is not really my type. I guess you can just realize it more when you are around someone constantly for 3 days. Anyway I have just been so busy and haven't talked to him since I got home last Sunday. Well we went to Montreal. Just a friend and I and had a BLAST BLAST BLAST! We can drink and gamble there. All completely legal!!! We met some great people and just hung out with them for the weekend. It was def. a great time. I will put pictures from Montreal up soon. I have lost another six pounds, but I think it's from only eating like 2 meals a day while in Montreal. There was just no time to eat ehehe Being in Montreal was the first time I had actually "gone out" since loosing all the weight and it is STRAAAAAAAANGE. Guys actually coming up to me asking if "this chair is taken". heheh What is that about?? It's just all too new and weird, but great at the same time hehe I'll keep ya'll updated.....Keep cool in the heat (well Massachusetts anyway) hehe

8/20 Hey everyone!!!!! Okay so I went on my first offical "date" and I will tell you about that after I say this.........I feel like I am only writing about my "social" life and I say to myself 'this isn't what people come here to read about'! but then I think and my social life is just a complete RESULT of the surgery so all in all it does have to do with it. :) So yeah I have met guys at parties and yes I went to go and visit Jon for the weekend in Delaware but yesterday was my first REAL date. YEs I had some in junior high but that is stupid cause the parents pick ya up and drop you off and it's not real real hehe. So yeah I had met this kid through my friend's boyfriend actually. WE have been tlaking for about a month and I just thought we were friends but then he asked if I wanted to go to the movies "or something" so of course I said sure.......ohhhhhhhh it was so cute hehe he open the doors for me and paid and even fed me a grape heheh and it was just like so datey hehehe I felt funny though about the end of the date. Should I kiss him or just a hug or what.........hmm anyway it turned out to be just a really nice hug which I think was probably the best move. WE already have plans to go to Six Flags the beginning of Sept and then he bought tickets to Blue Man Group and asked if I wanted to go with him in late Oct. I think........ He is sooooooooo nice and funny and I honestly think he is relationshippy material. The others you ask.......hehe yeah completely NOT!!!! hehe You know you can just tell. Whenever Matt and I talk he calls me beautiful and *sigh* I never thought I could be so mushy and completely taken by someone. We talk to each other every night and he is the last person I talk to before I go to sleep at night. "Goodnight beautiful." *sigh* hehe I sound so corny but guess what I DON'T CARE....I will revel in this until the end of time if I want hehee ANyway the scale hasn't moved since last week but that is becvause I am back to eating regular 3 meals a day which is healthier actually hehe. I can't wait to get back to school and start back up on my exercise and eating healthy routine. I am actually elated!!!!! Oh yeah for those wondering I got completely DRUNK off of three wine cooler type things in Montreal. Cheap date so they say hehe........ I have forgotten my vitamins and all the pills for about two weeks now and I need to get back on them cause I am starting to feel really tired......need that energy from them hehehe......I am honestly say that I am at a really good place in my life. I know where I want to be and I can see sooooooo clearly in front of me now. My mind is not bogged down with my weight and all those problems that went with it. Yes I want to lose more but I don't let it run my life. I am truly happy and I am just taking my time and letting myself revel in the fact that I smile everyday when I wake up!!!!!!! Take care and talk soon ;)

8/27 Hey everyone......just giving a quick update on Matt *sigh* (aren't I annoying?? hehe) Well on Sat. night I drove down there cause he didn't have to work on Sunday whoich is rare cause he usually works 7 dyas a week. So we watched a movie and then I just decided to sleep over cause it was an hour drive home and it was already 4 am. I honestly think he might be too good to be true. I had workout clothes in the car so I was like oh I will just wear those to bed and he actually walked me out to the car.........hehe and when I was laying down he took off my glasses and put them on his nightstand........ Stupid little things but I am like ummmm there are actually guys like you out there?? hehe It was completely everything that I ever thought about when I thought of having a boyfriend. Being able to just hang out and be completely comfortable. I had to make the first move cause he is apparently extremely shy and I knew he wouldn't kiss me first........We were just laying there after the movie watching TV and he like was *******time out if you don't care to read then move on the the next string of stars****** hehe anyway he like rubbed my head and then somehow he was rubbing my back and by the by he can probably give a great massage cause he sort of gave me one and I was like ahhhhhhhhhh how nice hehe.....So anyway we layed like that for awhile and then he was like just sort of tickling me but I tried to hold it in....NOPE I laughed sooooooo hard and he found that amusing and so he kept doing it......I squirmed and informed him that tickling was a form of torture. Somehow I ended up with my face over his and I just knew that that was the right moment so I took it upon myself to make the first move......hehe When did I grow ummm pardon my french but yeah when did I grow balls?? hehe I just kissed him and honestly I never really felt anything with anyone I had kissed before, but with Matt it was different. He didn't try to shove his tounge down my throat. It was just a great kiss..... and so the tickling stopped hehe and we just layed there and fell asleep. ****************okay done ;) We woke up the next morning at 11 am and I had to leave even though I didn't want to cause of the hour FREAKING drive, but yeah so it was great and then he walked me to the car again and we kissed goodbye.......*sigh* how sickening am I??? hehe I really hope that once I get back to Boston we can hang out a lot more. We already have so much stuff planned hehe Anyway that is the update and I don't know........I just feel like I can't really call him my boyfriend so he is just a friend I guess for right now......or maybe I can consider him a boyfriend.......AHHHHHHH who knows hehe and for that matter who really cares;) Talk soon...........Stay safe

9/10 okay everytime I talk about someone on here I freakin jinx myself eheheeh.....Anyway Matt and I aren't talking any longer.....It is actually a long and boring story that some people got to hear (i.e. Danny hehe...by the way Danny, you have been an awesome friend thank you........) Matt ended up telling me that the physical attraction just wasn't there....... What was the worst was that I didn't think he was that cute but because he was sooo nice and funny I looked beyond that. I realize now that I don't want to be with someone that shallow and so I have moved on. As they say there are other fish in the sea heheh......Anyway I have gotten back to my rountine and sooo fast. I thought it would take me like 2 weeks before I had enough motivation to get back to it hehe.....I have been walking EVERYWHERE......IF I need to go to the market or mall or the T (subway) I just walk and I have just been feeling just better all around. I've also been taking my vitamins and such which probably has something to do with it hehe.....Even with the worst thing anyone has ever said to me (the physical attraction thing) I am feeling the best I have in awhile..... It's great!!! I feel like I could move a MOUNTAIN hahah how cheesy was that line?? ;) I am going back up to Montreal in October with a friend!! and then I might go up again by myself just to visit a person we met up there when we went in August.... ummm classes are awesome but I slept late today by accident and missed my first one....no good hehe.......umm what else??? ummmmm I don;t know about weight loss cause I have no scale hehe
This could be deja vu if anyone remembers what I was like when I first got back to school after the surgery and winter break...If ya don't read back to January and Feb....... I thought I was going to have to kill someon I wanted a scale sooo badly hehehe. I think that is about it for now anyways........ Take care peoples.......

9/12 As you can see I update more often when I am back at school. Less things to do, that is why...hehe Anyway I am going to my cousin's wedding tomorrow and in my size 10 dress!!! SIZE 10 AHHHHH hehe anyway I took some pics in it so I put those up too!!! Ummmm well I am planning on transferring schools and moving up to Montreal.....hehe My friend and I really want to do it and it's much cheaper up there to live. So we are just saving saving saving this semester. Yes, I hear all of you asking about my chances with Jonas.......well I don't know. I would love to see what could happen but I can't just stay for him.....Who knows......Anyway other then that there is nothing to say. Leaving tonight to go home sooo I will write more on Monday when I get back...Take care!!!

9/16 Well Well Well, I am back from the damn fun wedding...I learned how to latin dance.......It was soooooooo much freaking fun!!!! Anywho it was sooo cute when I told Francois about me latin dancing he was all like, "well will you dance with me??" hehhe how dorky yet cute HAHAHHAH anyway I believe it's time to share this story with you all........I have held it in for about a month and I wasn't going to say anything but I figure this is my journal and all you people might want to hear everything and well, hell, I don't care hehehe So anyway Francois is the boy that I actually met when I went to Montreal in the beginning of August. We met the first day actually just randomly on the street cause I was talking to my friend about where to go out that night. He said that he knew some cool places and that we could meet them out if we wanted.....So we actually hung out with them to make sure they weren't murderers ehhehee and they were actually nice and so funny(which is important) sooo anyway we went out that night and at first I just thought it would be friendly between each other...obviously guys have different ideas hedhehe anyway we hung out allllllll day and then until about 6 in the morning when Francois and I went for a walk downtown.......it was the cutest moment when I think back on it hehe...we were walking and he stopped on the side of the road and so I stopped and turned around to look back at him and he just walked up to me and kissed me.....I was surprised but happy at the same time.....so we just continued walking and he grabbed my hand. After that night we hung out with him and his friend all day and every night for 5 nights. Sooooooo anywho it was weird to be with our friends becuase well they just were friends and so nothing was between them so I felt weird being all lovey in front of them soooooo anyway the last night I asked Francois to come out with us cause it was going to be our last night there and he didn't want to cuase he had work the next day.....he was like ohh just stay here and don't go out....I laughed and was like ummmmmm no hehe So I actualy suggested that he just come out with us for a little while and then I gave him the keys to our hotel room and he could just go back early and sleep....so he did and then when my friend and I got back we were being sooooo quiet as to not wake him but I was drunk and I tripped and fell into the nightstand.....Of course my friend being the drunk nerd that she is ;) just went right to sleep but Francois heard and he ran up and helped me hehheeh I felt like SUCH a dork hehe but he was all nice and I told him that I was sorry for waking him hehe...So mind you he had slept over our hotel a couple of other nights too and it was actually nice....cause again he wasn't all about jumping on top of me, but anyway tonight we just got into bed and somehow (well I know how ;) ) one thing led to another and well I am not a virgin anymore.......wow that is a big thing to say on a website hahahhha.......and honestly this may sound dumb to other people cause you all have been through it and everything but when we were ummmmm YEAH he put his hand behind my head and I was like umm what is he doing hehe but then I noticed it was so that I wouldn't hit my head on the headboard hehehe and I know it sounds dumb but I was like awww that's nice :) So anyway that is my story and we talk almost every night even through the ASSHOLE MATT scandal.............alright I have to run to the Canadian Consulate.....I will write more when I get back cause I also have another story hehehehehe
1:26 am ....okay so it's technically the next day but I just got back so you can't yell at me for lying and not writing sooner like I actually always say that will do and actually umm never do hehehe. Anywho so yeah Francois is the montreal boy and well I really do like him. He is supposed to come down to Boston to visit sometime in Nov....aaaaand this is my other story....I know this kid Sean and we are just friends or so I thought until he write me this thing yesterday.....I will cut and past it here: ) I really miss being able to talk to you everyday. I do think about ya a lot, cuz your so fun to talk to and your very outgoing and attractive. Most people think im older (23-25) Its really funny, not a person I have met has guess correctly. 22 this october 8th. I mean everything I say. I became attracted to you more when we began to talk more in depth. One main reason I love talking to you is because your very open and basically dont care what the topic is. Too many people are uptight and boring. When I first saw you, I thought you were very cute. Definately Cute. Your personality really completes the attraction, and also raises your stock 10 fold. When I heard you were kind of upset, about that kid(the immature one), I thought he was completely out of line, and had no respect or dignity. So yeah that is what he wrote and we talked more on from there but when he wrote that I was completely shocked but I just thought it was the nicest thing....and I told him thank you but I am not sure what that really means hehe....who knows....anyway that is my second story....oh yeah and this girl that I didn't even know is walking behind me to class and says, "Are you Nicole?"
"Yeeees. Why?"
"Oh it's just my friend was tlaking about you. Not bad or anything."
"Who is your friend?"
"Oh I don't think you knwo her. She just thinks that you are beautiful and she wishes that she looked like you."
"UMMMM WHAT?!??! LOOK LIKE ME??? Well tell her thank you sooo much and that she made my day." ehhehe How completely awesome is that??? I still honestly can't believe someone would actualy say those words...'they wished they looked like me'. hmmmmm maybe she is dylusional.....weird but completely a great thing to hear right before a crappy 8:30 am class hehehe...anyway nothing new just getting papers and stuff ready for my move to Montreal....oh yeah I am moving to Montreal in January with a friend sooooo that should be fun hehe...I am going to finish school and since she is already done with school she is just going to go up there and work. Of course Francois might have a tiny bit to do with me moving there but even if he never talked to me again I would still move there sooooo actually he is just an added bonus hehehe......Weight loss is at a stand still AGAIN....dammit....Well it's 2 am now and I should go to sleep so that I can actually wake up for my 9 am class hehehe Take care and stay safe......

9/22 Heeeeeellllllloooooo again. Well last night I went on a "date" hehhe with this kid named David. It was def. fun time. We went to this opera, Carmen, held in the Boston Common (it's a park for those of you, non Bostonians ;) ) It was sooo fun. We walked through the gardens and then headed to Jillian's, which is a pool/arcade place.....and if you think you might know me at all I looove competition heheh....I did have a great time with him. He is funny and cute...what more could you ask for right?? Well for some reason there just wasn't that spark.....maybe it comes with time but who knows......He could def. be a friend though. Another thing is that lately everytime I say hi to poeple around campus that I am just aquaintences with they look at me like 'umm who are you' hehe.....but last semester I talked to these people often.....I think I have figured it out though. One of my friends transferred to a different school and she IMed me and said that she heard that someone look different now.....so I say "umm who is someone?"
"YOU!" She had heard that people didn't even recognize me....hmm maybe that's why I am getting those looks hehehe......anyway is that a good thing?? I don't believe that I changed THAT much just over the summer.....I honestly have stayed about the same weight. So how could I look so different?? ehhhhh anyway nothing else new.....Talk soon.....

9/25 Hey everyone I thought I would update you on my little moving information hehe....Well I thought about and figured that I should just wait until June to move so that I can just finish this year out here and then I could also save more money before i went. Of course the only reason I would go def. in January was Francois so I gathered up every ounce of courage I had and actually wrote him a long e-mail about everything that I felt......and I will paste it here and then his reply:
Okay this e-mail may seem a little strange heheh but I figure who cares...hehe my motto in full swing ;) Okay well, this whole Montreal move thing came about when Anne was like I am moving to Montreal wanna come?? This was after we had just gotten back from there.... I was like ummmm not really thanks hehe cause I was planning on just transferring to a bigger more expensive school in Boston, but then she started talking about how much cheaper it is up there, to go to school and to live. Which is amazingly true cause here you would NEVER EVER EVER find a $600 a month studio nevermind a 1 bedroom. So yeah anyway at first I dismissed it and then I started to think about it and it seemed better and better...okay now here come what you might think is the weird part heheh......I do like you and I had fun in Montreal....You are really a cool person to hang out with. I know that nothing is for certain and that anything could happen but a tiny part of me wants to move there just to be closer to you. I am just wondering if that I am the only one who wants to be closer. I mean I don't want to scare you and make you think that I consider us in a relationship or anything of the sort cause well there are people here that I have been seeing.....after i came back of course.....I wasn't seeing anyone while in Montreal.....but even when I do go out with other people I think about what a nerd you are;) and how much fun I had with you even on the first day we met and that is rare, well for me anyways hehe. I do like you (even though you like to take shots at me ;) but I know that's just you and well I can take shots at you too ;) and ummm I guess I just wanted to put that out there heheh.....If you don't feel the same it's kewl and we can just leave it at that......so yeah anyway depending on this then I will decide if I am going to come in January or not hehe...I know it sounds dumb and that I haven't thought it through or something....but if I come in June or whenever rents begin then I will have saved more money and I will just been able to finish out the school year here, instead of pulling out. I know you are probably like ummm whoa hehe and feel all sorts of pressure but don't :D I'm just throwing it out there cause, well I guess it's just best to be honest hehe.......I know you like to avoid the topic though so try to actually answer back hehe and just say either way what you are thinking cause I'm a big girl and I can handle it hehhe......but yeah so so summerize ;) I like ya and do want to be closer to you but am thinking that June might be the best time to move instead of January, but that is a loooong tme away and will we honestly keep in contact for that long if we are so far apart??? I mean we are only 5 hours away and I would come and visit and such and hope that you would want to come down here and visit heheh but.....ummmm well??? Who knows maybe you are just like ohhh God what an idiot....hehe....but you do factor into the whole Montreal move thing so I have to think abut everything as a whole.....So yeah I just threw out all my emotions on the table and now it's your turn to either step on them or throw yours down as well ;) Talk soon......
~*~xoxo~*~
Nicole
So that is the e-mail i sent him and then he signed on and we began to talk...:
you know lol obviously I had a crush on u 2......I'm shy with these things....give François chance ;)......and then he went on to say how when we were together everything was just easy and he is sooo right cause honestly even the first day I met him we were holding hands and we were just close.......i am usually never like that when I first meet someone.....so anyway he agreed and we decided that it's best for me to save until June and in the meantime I will visit there and he will come down here. He also told me that he wanted to be really honest and that he couldn't make a commitment cause he didn't know where he was going to be in the future and I told him that I understood......but honestly does anyone really know where they will be even tomorrow....things change everyday sooooo whatever.......I know what's going on at least now......and I think we are closer for actually talking about it......which def. makes me happier......he also said he would "love to have me up there anytime"........This morning I went to the Real World auditions for 2003...It is going to be in Paris.....It was an cool experience but soooo many people tried out so I am not expecting ANYTHING hehe......well I should get to bed...it's 2:30 am and I have an 8 class tomorrow :( YUCK...Take care

9/28 Hey everyone!!! Well for the past couple weeks I haven't felt like myself at all. At first I thought it was just the whole getting used to being back in school thing but now I'm not so sure. They def. weren't kidding about the depression sometimes, but I can't say that the surgery is the cause of it. I keep telling everyone I don't know what it is cause I'm afraid they will think I am dumb or something but I have just beeing feeling "down" lately. I can't concentrate on my work and when I do actually do it the teacher alwyas tells me that they know I can do better. I have nooooo urge whatsoever to get out of bed in the morning. I miss being in Montreal and well yeah being with Francois. I don't know if talking to him makes it better or worse. If I talk to him I wish I was there or he was here but then if I don't talk to him I miss talking to him...hehehe ;) I haven't been exercising cause well I have been in the dumps and I just don't want to. I started back up again today though cause I know that I HAVE to do it. I am also just really starting to hate this school. It's soooooo small and all girls and I just hate it. I have already decided that the best thing for me to do is withdraw in December and move home and get a full time job for the semester. I am going to take a couple night classes and then in June we will move to Montreal. I started working today!!! THANK GOD....I sooooooooo need money hehe I also booked my ticket to Montreal for the last weekend in October and I am already feeling better knowing that I will be going up there soon.....I also went home last night just for some family time.......I just needed to go home and it made me feel a little better just being around my family....I think that is part of the feeling down too, that all my friends are older than me and are busy with their internships and all that sort of stuff so they are working all weekend and have a lot more classes during the week so I hardly ever see them......It just sucks to be in your room alone all day...okay enough about that hehe cause I start to get depressed when I think that I still have 3 more months of this crap hehehe...... hmmm so yeah anywho nothing else is going on....... tomorrow is my "catch up with all my work" day.... ohhhhhh Thursday night I had the, well best and worst dream. (it depends on how you look at it) I was sitting in the chair and my mom and now dead grandmother was on the couch. The shades were down for some reason and I went to go and open them and my grandmother started saying, "No no no. It's too cold."
"No nana, it's just the shade I'm not opening the window."
"NO NO NO!" She says again. So I sigh and then go sit back in my chair. Then I look at her and she says, "Come over here and sit next to me." So I go and sit down next to her and she looks at me with these two big eyes and reaches up with one hand and lightly touches my cheek. "You know I love you right?"
"Yeah nana, I love you too," I say and I start to cry because it's then, that even in my dream, I realize that she is dead and that I miss her. And then as soon as her hand comes off my cheek I wake up and I am still crying. What was weird was that at the beginning of the dream it was like a normal dream and it felt like it had when she was alive but when I sat down next to her and looked at her I had the feeling that I knew she was dead. It was just strange and I'm crying thinking of it now :) I honestly don't know what to make of it, but I do believe that she is around me and so now I will leave on that note heheh Take care everyone ;) Talk soon......

9/30 Pardon my french but I still feel like SHIT......I have tons of friends here but most of them are busy and well the other ones I really don't like...hehe For the first time in my life I feel truly lonely...... Everyone keeps saying I'm so sorry I am not around more and I'm like noooooo it's okay, but really I feel like crap. And the more alone I feel the more I want to go to Montreal or freaking anywhere for that matter. hehe I am planning on going to go visit my friend up at UNH not this weekend but the next and then in 4 weeks I am going up to Montreal....Hopefully going away for some weekends will help me feel better.....HOPEFULLY!!! If it doesn't I don't know what else to do :( HMPH well I don;t feel like typing anymore so talk soon......byeeeeee ;)

10/8 Well hello all...As you can see I changed the layout cause frankly I hated the purple one and I thought hey let's get all festive and go with a halloween theme ;) Anyway nothng much has been going on. I feel insanely better although at times I fall into my little lonliness complex. I dropped my Statistics class to ease up my course work a little. Just to make it bearable and so I don't have to feel any more stress than I already do. I just have to keep telling myself that this semester is almost done and then I will be outta here......Don't get me wrong I love Boston, but I am ready for a change. I am going up to Montreal this weekend!!!!!! YEAHHHHH and then either the weekend after that or the next weekend Francois is coming down here. He is still maintaining the "confused" thing but we decided to just see what happens. I made it clear to him that I liked him and that I didn't want to be strung along. He said that he would never do that to me. Soooooo we shall see hehehe......I have been exercising like a mad person and I have been insanely healthy......Isn't weird that just liek a week ago I wasn;t doing anything or I was eating all junk and snacking and my outlook has comletely changed? The mind is a powerful thing!! Anyway I will def. keep ya'll updated...No weight loss still.....that keep the total at 70 lbs and the plateau at about 2 months now...GRRRRRRR....I'm leaving on Thursday so I probably won't write before then unless something important happens!! Talk soon, keep safe, and take care ;)

10/21 Welllllll people I am back and ready to write heheh.......I left for Montreal on the 11th and was supposed to return to Boston the 14th. Did I hear you ask when I did ACTUALY return to Boston?? Yeah I got back the 18th hehehe.......I just ended up staying the whole week....I had a really great time with Francois and Francois hehhee (his roommate) Nothing is official still. I have no idea if we are "together" or not. It's hard to really talk about it cause we are so far away from each other. I am also starting to have second thoughts about moving to Montreal and that sucks. I really do like him .......a lot and if I don't move to Montreal who knows what will happen. I don't want the reason I move there though to be purely Francois so I know I have to think about what I want......UGH heheh I am still going to take next semester off though and work and save up some major mula........for a car or frankly whatever I want hehe

10/23 Okay sorry people....hehe I know that that my last entry ended rather stupidly. I was talking on the phone and then had to leave fast so I just published what I had. I have come to a realization!!! I am not going to worry about Francois and I anymore. If anything is going to happen it will be because of him. I am not pushing anything anymore. So I came to this realization Monday afternoon, a little after I had written the journal entry. I talked to one of my friends about it and she told me to go out with other people and just have fun. So that is what I'm doing!!! Actually Monday night I was asked out for coffee by this guy who is as close to PERFECT then I can think of. Open doors, pays, cute, and has money!!! heheh He owns his own TV production comp. and drives a damn BMW. *sigh* what more could a girl ask for. I honestly think what does he see in me. Who knows? He even called back last night and we are planning on going out again this Friday or Sat. *sigh* Everything is going well in other regards. I have almost fully decided to stay in Boston for school and my plateau has BEEN BROKEN!!! I lost about 3 lbs over the past couple days........ahhhhh feels good hehe I have started taking my pills regularly which I think might have something to do with it....hehe... hmmmmmmm nothing else is really going on.....just I am a big happy camper right now. Very different from about a month ago!!! Just goes to show you how things can change hehe.......Take Care...

10/26 Stupid butterflies in the stomach........This is a good feeling but seriously not such a GREAT feeling hehe...... I went to Peter's on Thursday night we watched a movie then just fell asleep and then Friday all day I helped him paint his room a new color. I always have such a fun time hanging out with him. He is constantly making me laugh. Still no kiss though so we are still waiting. Some of my friends say for me to make the move and some of them say that he is just waiting for the right time and to let him make the first move. Hmmmmmm.........I put up pictures of him so you guys can see him. I mean isn't it a good sign that he actually calls when he says he's going to call??? And even last night at like 12:30 after I had just said goodnight to him on the internet he called and said he just wanted to say goodnight......*sigh*...okay I am not going to fall too hard cause JUST INCASE anyting goes awry I don't want to be insanely heartbroken hehe.....You might be asking about Francois.... Well he's good. He wrote me yesterday about random stuff that I really don't care about.....hehe Like him and all his engineering stuff....ahhhh well whatever.....I haven't mentioned ANYTHING about Peter to Francois cause I don't think that would go over too well, not that Francois and I are serious or anything, but ya know. Peter is working alllllll day today and well frankly I miss him hehehe cause we usually talk like 3 times a day. I think he is just testing the waters with the whole no kiss thing and I also have this feeling that guys can play games just like girls can. I think he's playing hard to get hehehhe Anyway I still have been taking my vitamins and other pills regularly and been exercising more...... You know even though I can have fast food and stuff, I have actually been staying away from it, which, for me, is insanely awesome hehe cause usually I'm like okay I'll have a cheeseburger heheh......
UPDATE......12:55 am: Alllllllllright seriously I can't stop thinking about him and it doesn't help matters when he continues to call hehehe not that I am complaining but this is all def. starange to not have any complications. I am too used to there being things in the way like for instance....Francois living 6 hours away hehe......but Peter, he lives only literally 4 miles from me. He's hilarious, always makes me laugh, and cute. Oh yeah he has money too ;) That's just an added bonus though hehe.... He was at work all day today but IMed me that he left his sunroof in his car open and when he woke up this morning it was completely flooded......so needless to say he had a really "shitty day" as he called it ehehe......and then he even called when he got home at around 10 and just called to tell me that he was going out with friends and that he probably wouldn't talk to me until tomorrow....How thoughtful ;) eheehhehe *sigh* He also is like "you wanna probably do something tomorrow?" Of course I was like SURE.....but maybe I should sound more like "welllll i do have something planned so let me get back to you" ;) heheh anyway that is my little update and well damn I am just so umm content right now.....I always thought to myself that I didn't need a boyfriend that I was fine by myself but I think that was just my way of covering up my not having a boyfriend. 'Oh I don't have a boyfriend cause I don't have tiiiiime.' I used to say. HAHA yeah right. I didn't have a boyfriend cause no one would look twice at me....hell, they wouldn't even look once. So yeah anyway if this is what it feels like to be in a relationship then by God I wish everyone to feel like this at some point in their life cause it's great!! Just to know that he actually thinks about me like I think about him. And I figure this cause, well, he calls all the time and we have hung out umm 4 days outta 6 that I have known him hehe so that's a good sign eh??? Anyway enough rambling about Peter *sigh* hahaha I'm such a nerd ;) Take Care and talk soon........Don't forget to check out my new pictures......E-mail me people, I loove gettin' letters....... nwante@hotmail.com

10/27 HAHA okay well he actually ended up calling at like 2 am and was like, "hey we're on our way home. Up for hanging out???" To which I replied, "umm sure." hehe He came and picked me up at like 2:30 am and then we watched Fight Club hehe.....but there was some progress. He had his arm outstretched so a layed my head on it and at first he like rubbed my head and then put his hand to my face and we just alyed with our heads touching......hmmm okay if ya'll think that it was easy to not just give him a kiss....YOU ARE WRONG heheh it was damn hard......HMPH.....then he dropped me off at about 11 this morning and I am not sure if he is going to call tonight cause when I say that he won't he usually does hehhe.....Today was my third day in a row exercising!!! How insane!!! hehe And the vitamins, well I have been taking those for awhile now......I have been such a good girl!!! I'll keep ya updated......Take care peeps.......

10/30 THAT'S IT I AM BECOMING A NUN.....NOPE YOU CAN'T STOP ME.....Peter just wants to be friends right now causde he "just got out of a long relationship and he just wants friends" UGH so yeah that's where it is......friends he only wants friends and he says that we have alwasy been friends...I realize no that is why there was no kiss....so needless to say my day SUCKS.....and then the vending machine ATE MY DOLLAR.....GRRRRRRR....I feel like crap......

10/31 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! Anywho I am better after my mental breakdown yesterday hehehe...I think it was just the initial shock.....He is a cool person and I def. don't want to lose his friendship cause honestly it will be exactly the same as it has been for the past week hehe so what's wrong with just being friends?? *sigh* I guess nothing.... Tonight my friend and I are going to Salem, MA and check out all the freaks!!! YAY!!! and then tomorrow Danny is coming and this will be the first time I have actually met him in person...We have been talking for about ummmm (how long Danny???) maybe a little over a year now?? Anyway he wants to have the surgery as well and HE WILL.....(keep thinking positively).........He says he is nervous to meet me but ummmmm WHY???? What a nerd ;) heheh Anyway then on Saturday I am going to Sean's house and sleeping over there.... PAAAAAAAAHTY!!!! hehe Sean is lexus boy...aka look back to ummmmmm 9/16 entry and you will see who I am talking about...... It was so cute actually cause I hadn't talked to Sean in 2 weeks and so I wrote him an e-mail and told him that I missed talking to him and to give me a call. So then the next day he thanked me for the letter and said that he really missed talking to me too and that he had something he wanted to talk to me about, but that he was tired and we would talk tomorrow.......So I waited ALLLLLLLLLLL day and then he is like, "well FIRST when are we going to hang out again??" So i told him whenever and we planned on this Sat. and then he changed the subject so I asked about the SECOND thing and he just nervously laughed and said ummmmmm ummmmm ummmmm hehe so I was like "come on it can't be that bad."
"No no it's good." but he still didn't tell me. He said maybe someday he will tell me.......Hmmmmmmm whatever.....so yeah that is Sat and then Sunday I have to work......YUCK......So hmph that is about it.....I lost 5 more lbs actually with all the working out and now I am soooooo motivated seeing how it's coming off fast now with the exercise hehhee I should've done this before hehehe DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH.....Oh yeah a friend and I went out last night to Boston Billards and had such a greeeeat time. We met a bunch of people and I had two martinis and was completely drunk........Ahhhhh to be twenty year old and in college hehehe ;) OH YEAH a reaaaaallly cute guy flirted with me yesterday at work and my friend told me I should've invited him to the pool place but I am a DAMN CHICKEN.......He is like, "next time I see you, you'll have to tell me how it went." Ohhhh I'll tell ya, but I'll tell ya that next time YOU ARE COMING ;) heheh anyway I'm a dork and I am going to finish cleaning my room now cause I don't want my company seeing this mess hehe......Take care and have a safe HALLOWEEN........OHHHHHHHHHH SCAAAAAAARY

11/4 oooooookay so this weekend SUCKED BIG TIME......I didn't get to meet and hang out with Danny and I didn't get to hang out with Sean. I ended up going home on Friday cause my grandmother went into the hospital. I was only going to stay the one night but ended up staying until Sunday night........I mean I was glad I was home and stuff but I had stuff planned this weekend dammit......Also I just found out today that my awesome Italian-American Cinema teacher of last semester died......Very very strange....Sooooo I am going to his funeral this Wed since they are cancelling classes for it. On my way home on Friday on the train though I met this kid who was sitting across from me......and then on the way back to school yesterday I met someone else hehe....got both numbers hehe and now tomorrow I am going to the movies with one of them.......Life is really really random at times.......I dropped another size in my jeans!!!! So now I am offically a size 10 in jeans and a size 8 in dresses...WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD...SINGLE DIGITS.....who woulda thunk?? ;) Oh yeah Halloween night.......umm all I gotta say was AWEEEESOME....had soooo much fun in Salem......Allllllright I gotta clean this room!!!.....I posted some new before pictures and ummmm one from right after surgery with my mushy food ;) There is new pictures HERE and HERE.....Take care....

11/7 Okkkkk well I am writing this here cause I don't have just a regular journal. This has nothing to do with the whole weight loss thing but I am feeling so lost right now. I really don't want to be here at this school anymore. I CAN'T WAIT till December and I can go back home and work, but then again I don't want to be at home either. I have no idea. Then there is this one class that I haven't been to in 2 weeks. I just keep skipping it and now it's turned into the snowball effect I just keep skipping and am afraid to go back esspecially since one of those days we had a test.....hmph even now I am getting all worked up and nervous about it. This isn't like me AT ALL. I am usually always the one passing in the work and going to class. Then I took this weekend off work because of my grandmother and now they are firing me......So it looks like I have to find another job until Dec. Who the hell is going to hire me just for a month and a half. I will just have to lie and say that I am staying and then quit.......****SIIIIIIIIGH**** The only thing that is getting me through the days is my other classes, knowing that I am leaving, my friends, and exercising (oddly enough). This is the best way to describe it to you. When you were a kid there might have been this moment that you were in a store with you mom or dad and you went to look at something and then when you turned around they were gone and for that split second your heart jumped outta your mouth and you thought, "They're gone!!!" Yeap that's me... Everything I knew I wanted is gone and I don't know where to turn now to find what I want. I'm just spinning in circles......hopefully not for long though. I am just hoping that once I get outta here and start to work back at home I will realize where I want to be. I know that that is school but I think I just need a break. Anyway I went to the funeral of my teacher on Wed.....sad sad sad...He was only in his late 40s...Makes ya think. I'm going out tonight with Greg, one of the boys I met on the train and maybe if I can squeeze it in I might hang out with Jon the other kid I met on the train......HAHAH how random.....I gotta go buy new jeans....lataaaaaaa

11/18 Hey everyone.....well umm the date with Greg went well we got along good. And then that Sunday I went out with Jon we got along much better and I have talked to him a couple times since. Then this past Sat. I went out with this Justin Timberlake lookalike......I just stared at him the entire time and was just shocked at how much he looked like him. He called a couple times since. I know it's not bad to date so many people but I'm wondering if this isn't so good for me. If I am using boys as a distraction for anything else I don't want to deal with. This is very hard to get used to though. I want to make up for lost time, cause while all my high school friends were dating I was hanging out watch TV and wishing I had someone, but it's very hard to keep a balance. Right now I am already sick of this dating thing it's too hard. It's like I either hate them and they call all the time or I seriously like them and they never call. I am ready to just find someone who likes me and I like them and that I can just be cool with. *sigh* Isn't that what everyone wants though?? I am still feeling like crap and I have talked to a friend that has been through all this minor depression crap. She made me feel better and helped think of what to do. I am heading home tonight cause I need some home time right now. It connects me to who I am. Right now I have no idea who I am. Cause this sure doesn't feel like me. I cried all this morning and I called my mom and she made an appoinment for me at the Dr. My one year anniversary of the surgery is coming up. I have to make my appointment soon. Thast is another thing that I am mad about. I am on another plateau. GRRRRR Yesterday I didn't get out of bed other than to go to the bathroom or turn on and off lights. How sad is that? At least today I managed to get up to go to lunch. I also cleaned my room and started to pack up all my stuff to go home. I only have like three weeks and then I am back home for 8 months. I am excited cause I do miss my family and doing things with them but I also know how hard it is to be with them all the time. It will be much better though cause I will be working everyday full time so I won't see them that much. *sigh* I feel sooooooooo lost.....

11/22 Well well folks. Im back and from the Doctors. I went to my PCP and we talked about how I was feeling and she suggested some Zoloft and she also referred my to a psychologist. Sooooooo we shall see. I went home on Monday, as I just couldnt take it anymore. I just wanted to be home and around family and that is where I have been for 4 days now. Everything just happens all together and I just felt like I couldnt handle all my emotions. First there was school; we all know my feelings about this school. I am just burnt out of this place and want to get out ASAP, second; I am my all my friends personal psychologist, or so they think. I hear about every single one of their problems and well right now I am a little sick and tired about hearing them cause ummmm guess who has their own problems too, and third; its the whole boy thing and I know I shouldnt get sad over boys, but how can you not when you actually think that you like someone and that they like you back and you dont hear from them AT ALL until a couple days later you get a stupid IM from them saying hi. As you can imagine I dont answer back. So yeah, about the school thing, I have decided to withdraw for medical reasons. My PCP wrote me a note. As it is right now even if I wanted to stick it out and finish the semester I would have all Cs and my 3.7 GPA would plummet and then I would have a tough time transferring like I plan to in the fall.
I did come back to Boston Thursday though for a little date if you will. My friend had told me about this kid that she knew so we started to talk on the phone and after about 2 weeks we decided to actually meet. So he came to my school and he even brought me a dozen roses!!! I thought that was soooo sweet. Again I am a pessimist and I just know something will go wrong cause well, frankly, when does it not?? hehe Anyway ummm so yeah he came over and we went to Blockbuster and rented two movies and we just hung out watching movies and listening to his CDs cause he is a DJ for clubs in Boston. So anyway somehow we just ended up in each others arms. It was cute. Then he said with a sigh, How did I find you? Then he proceeds to tell me what he thought the first time he talked to me and when he saw me earlier in the night. He was just too nice. I called him Rico Suave all night cause he kept just staring at me and then when I would look at him he would say, Oh dont mind me Im just admiring you. He said sooooo many nice things to me and I am still not used to it hehe. So anyway we left my room at around 5 am (nothing happened. Just kisses) and he followed me to the gas station and until I took my exit home. He insisted that I called him when I got home so at 6 am I called him and let him know that I got home alright. He was already asleep though and didnt even know what I was saying so I just told him to go back to bed. He even called today!!!!! Amazing yes I know. Usually I dont even get a call the next day hehe so you can imagine the surprised yet happy look on my face when I picked up the phone and it was him. I am babysitting though and the kids were screaming so I had to go fairly quickly, but he is due to call sometime tonight.Im hoping soon hehe. J
I am sooooo tired though. I need sleepy. I got home at 6 am then stayed up until I had to drive my brothers to school at 8 am then crashed until noon when I had to get up for the Doctors appointment and I have been up ever since and NOW I am babysitting two three year olds, twins. They are my cousins and thank god they are finally asleep. So now I am just hanging out and typing this thing cause the damn TV in the spare bedroom doesnt work and I am bored outta my mind. Somebody put me out of my misery. L Hehe Anyway I think I am going to and find some food cause I am starvin like marvin J Talk soon and take care everyones

11/23 Hey Everyonehehe I am baaaaaaack J Hikaz ended up calling as soon as I finished typing up the journal hehe. He called at about midnight and we talked until 5 am. Definitely not our longest conversation but our most intense. We talked about our little date and about what had happened with his ex-gf, which was a huuuuuuuuuuge deal and he was nervous about telling me cause he thought I wouldnt think of him the same way so I automatically though he cheated on her but all it was, was that his gf got pregnant two times and had to have two abortions. We had a long talk about what he had gone through with her and how they broke up four months ago but she still calls him all the time and she doesnt want him seeing anyone else. So he is thinking about putting a restraining order on her if she doesnt stop. I am just like, Ummmmm wow. Hehe So yeah I learned a lot about him in the 5 hour talk hehe. We also talked about how I have never brought a guy home and he said that he would love to meet my parents which took me aback a bit hehe, but it was cool to hear that. So anyway then last night we talked again and we started on that topic again and he said that when he was going through all that stuff he never thought this day would come where he would meet someone different and have that behind him. He also said that he knew only one thing was for sure and that was that I was an angel sent to him. I sigh even thinking about it now hehe..He is the sweetest person. He also says that he doesnt want to rush anything and things will happen when its time. So basically he just seems like the perfect person. Weeeeeirdness. I know that there is no such thing as perfect but damn he is pretty closeJ He even wrote me a poem, which no one has ever done. He also knows about the weight loss thing and he keeps telling me that I am fine just the way I am but he said if what makes you happy is to lose more then do it. I cannot explain to you how wonderful it is to hear that I am fine the way I am from a member of the opposite sex. He says it with such sincerity and THAT makes him great in my eyes. He is due to call again tonight just like every night hehe and we made plans to go out again Saturday all day. Hes going to drive up here and pick me up..hmmm I wonder what well do. And we already made plans for next Thursday to go and look at Northeastern University since we both want to transfer to there in the fall.
I took my first Zoloft pill today..we shall see what this does. I have to give it a week and then move up to two pills a day instead of one. As I stand today though I am feeling pretty good. I have decided what to do with school and I hate to say it but those two damn boys that hurt me made the depression worse cause I just felt lonely on top of the whole lost thing and well, now, Hikaz is here. I am also home and around my family which is going surprisingly well.
Thanksgiving is almost here!!!! Im excited. although I hate this type of food. I would rather have pasta instead of turkey hehe. Ahhhhh well. When Thanksgiving is done that meansyeap CHRISTMAS and after that you all should know what comes nextMY 21ST BIRTHDAY!!!!!! * sigh * I cant wait. Its going to be crazy fun!!! Haikas is going to be in Las Vegas though L but I told him I would have some fun for him here and he can have fun for me there.
Weight loss is good. I lost 5 lbs in one week! I have to increase the movement more hehe I was stuck in my little rut and havent done anything for the past week except for today which I started my routine back up. Alright that is enough about me..lets hear about you.J Take care till next time.

11/27 Well well folks, hello again :) Today is a greeeeeeat day!! Last night Hikaz and I talked for quite a bit and I wanted to tell him how much I liked him but I didn't want to scare him. He was saying how much he couldn't wait till Sat. and how he wished I was there with him and I almost said it but held back. He made me say it though. I just didn't want to cause I didn't want to put myself out there and then get rejected or something along those lines. He told me not to worry and that he would put himself out there as well. So I told him that I really liked him and that it is hard living an hour away from him. He just laughed and said, "That was what was so hard?? You know I really like you too. You like me. I like you. You like me. I like you." :) We said goodnight and I slept the best I have in awhile. Knowing that the school situation is settled and actually having someone who I talk to every night right before bed. *sigh* Just when things seemed so hard.... I have lost another pound!!! YAY for me!!! Oh yeah This is the third journal entry that I added so scroll up and there are two other new ones. Will write more soon...Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving!!!!

12/1 Wow it's December already and you all know what that means.......in 16 days it will be my one year anniversary. Jeez how time passes by so quickly. I never thought I would actually ever have it and here I am a year later and down 80 pounds. Sheesh. I had a good Thanksgiving with all the fun food. It really is the same just I don't eat as much. I'm down 2 more pounds. I just keep losing which is very strange but you don't hear me complaining hehe. Hikaz and I are offically "seeing" each other. We went out last night on another date and we talk every single night. *sigh* This is what I have wanted for so long. It just seems great. I just wished he lived closer so that we could spend more time together. Hopefully we'll both be accepted into Northeastern and then we will be very close. So who knows what will happen I just know that I am a happy camper right now. This is my last week at school and then on to the working world for a little bit.....ahhhh well that's it for now.....talk soon...

12/7 Hey hey everyone...life is just about ummmmm GREAT right now.....I am finally home!!!! At first I wasn't so sure about my decision to come home but now that I am here I am happier. Things with Hikaz and I are completely amazing......I just never thought anything like this would ever find me.....I always thought things like that were meant for other people and not me but here I am......*sigh* We spent all day Thursday and Friday together. On Thursday we did a tour of Northeastern University....We both really want to transfer there in Sept. So everyone cross your fingers that we get in :) Other than that the weight loss is going pretty good. I've lost another 3 pounds so that brings my total to about 78 pounds.....YAY for me!!! Annnnyway nothing else to write so I guess I will just leave it at that.......Stay safe...

12/15 Well well....is this my life??? Hikaz and I are doing soooo great. Who knew that anything like this could happen to me. After everything I have been through in high school. I thought I would never find anyone who would want me. Of course I had to lose 80 lbs for that to happen but I am not bitter. That is the just the world is. I can either accept it and move on or pout about it. Accepting it has turned out to be the best choice:) I truly think that I might actually even love Hikaz. We talk every single day and I am still so excited to hear his voice at the end of the day. I met his parents. He was all gung ho about me meeting them. It was so cute. They told him in Armenian that I was cute and that I seemed very nice. So that is a good thing hehe. Other than that things are perfect perfect perfect......There is nothing more I could ask for. My one year check up is in 4 days on the 19th. Wow....one year already...this is insane hehe. They are going to take a picture of me so I will have to dress up to the nines ;) hehe well anyway Take care everyone and talk soon.....

12/24 Merry Christmas everyone... well I went to my year appointment and they did take a picture......At first I didn;t want to see it but after awhile I was like ALRIGHT let me see it!!! OH MY GOD....I couldn't believe it.....I need to update a full body on here cause the difference is INSANE.....I've lost 3 more pounds so that brings my grand total to 83 lbs.....YAY......Hikaz is more then I could have ever dreamed of. He tells me constantly how beautiful I am inside and out and that even if I didn't lose anymore weight then he wouldn't care but he supports whatever I want to do. Sometimes I just wonder how one person could be so perfect. I love talking to him everyday and I smile just writing about him right now. Is this what love is like??? Well I truly think I love him but I will not be the first to say it hehe....I'll leave that one up to him....hehe YAY for Christmas.....My aunt gave me pajamas and she bought a medium...*sigh* still surprises me what I can fit into hehe Well I am getting sleepy and it iiiiiiis Christmas Eve officially hehe SO Merry Christmas and I shall talk with ya'll real soon.....Take care and have a safe Christmas......

12/27 Christmas was great...Got lots of new clothes and money hehe my favorite. Hikaz got me earrings and he is taking me out to pick out my birthday present next week......hmmmmm I love surprises but I hate them too heh...I think I am going to exercise more.....but i did get some of those yoga pants that are stretchy and OH MY GOD....I don't look half as bad as I thought I would hehe. Things are a little wiggly hehe but not bad at all :) okay well I think I will write more later on.....


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